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DAN HAWKINS WILL APPEAR WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY

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Dan Hawkins' blog sounds a bit like the sadly defunct Tressel's World: an internet Potemkin Village actually constructed by a deranged college football fan with too much time on his/her hands and in the grip of a wicked fascination with home hovercraft technology. We were prepared for disappointment and the inevitable dwindling of the blog to nothing but a final post and sad internet silence.

Yet Coach Dan Hawkins' blog is not only real--it will fucking change your life, brother. Because Dan Hawkins knows you're not living life to the fullest, and he's got the blinding html skills and excerpts from motivational handbooks and half-baked eastern philosophy texts to shoot gallons of metaphysical nitrous into those underperforming cylinders of yours, as evidenced by this awesome screenshot. Be the bow!

He quotes Clint Black at the top, something we'd make fun of if we didn't earnestly love like at least ten Clint Black songs. That midget can rock, albeit in a countryish, paralyzed on one side of his mouth kind of way. We like to think of Clint Black as what Terry Bowden looks like in his wildest fantasies, where he's tearing ass on a horse across the Western landscape with Catherine Bach on the back of his saddle and his shirt open to reveal ripped pecs and abs.

But don't limit him to country, spirit-prison-warden:

Music? I am going with the ole standby, Van Morrison. Again, don’t listen to the top 40 stuff of Brown Eyed Girl. Dig a little deeper, some great soul searching going on there!

Oh, Coach Hawkins. You make us want to curl up on a brown couch in a brown house decorated in various shades of brown, eating fondue, listening to Van Morrison, and just enjoying the mellow vibe of our new, multilevel contemporary house, all soaked in before a drive in the new Audi, maybe a little raquetball at the club, and then a relaxing dip in the hot tub with some Riunite while Gaucho plays in the background.

(HT: MK)