We've sailed into a Saragasso Sea where South Florida and Kentucky are in the top ten while Michigan, Nebraska, and Notre Dame aren't. Therefore: while the first lull of the season passes, we thought we'd get introspective and hit you with a few facts you may not know about each conference, and how their seasons are going.
--The best-kept secret in college sports broadcasting? Ron Franklin was killed in a bar brawl in Lagos, Nigeria on August 23rd. SHHHHH!!! Don't tell anyone.
--Jim Donnan still on ESPN payroll, but just chills in the breakroom shooting the shit all day in between playing the Wii "Tournament Fishing" game and checking on EBay for quality used hunting stands.
--Chris Fowler: working out more now. See Kirk? It's like my shirt doesn't even fit anymore! Just switched to the French Press for the triceps. Feel that, Kirk? I didn't have that before last year. That's what the French Press does for them, it separates the...Kirk, don't answer your phone while you're talking to me. Even if it is Jim Tressel. Jim Tressel never calls me. Kirk...just look at me when I'm talking to you, Kirk.
Yeah. The French press...(trudges off past red doghouse with beagle sleeping belly up on top.)
--Tom Hammond no longer employed by NBC, who in an effort to cut costs has been replaced by a sound board with 2006 Notre Dame audio clips operated by student intern. Analysis still provided by Pat Haden, who accepts pay in cowrie shells and candy and has for five years.
--Holly Rowe? Not going on a diet, and not planning to, either. She attributes her body confidence to her own high self-esteem and the love and support of her longtime boyfriend Keith Sweat, who "likes 'em thick and white like cooked pork chops and just as salty, baby."
--Dennis Haysbert leading candidate in 2008 presidential race as write-in following advertising blitz for Allstate during college football games. "I just imagine getting in that booth and asking myself, 'Am I in good hands?'," says Alice Perdeaux of Tulsa, Oklahoma. "And despite being black, he just makes me feel safer than anyone else in the race." Ms. Perdeaux, when informed that Haysbert was not running and had not shown interest in the race, said "Have you heard his voice? I just know it kills terrorists."
--After Minnesota's loss to Florida Atlantic, but won the hearts of South Floridians when first-year head coach Tim Brewster fed his starting defensive line to a killer whale at Orlando's Sea World on the way back to Minneapolis in front of a screaming crowd of thousands. "I don't think my son will ever forget that," said Francine Thomas of Live Oak, Florida. "In fact, considering the amount of blood spilled into the crowd, I don't think he can!"
--Northwestern coach Pat Fitzgerald carded at his local liquor store for the seventh time in a row despite purchasing two bottles of wine weekly. Quote: "I live down the street!!!"
--Wisconsin's stadium police just added a number to the OSHA-mandated work signage announcing that is has been "20 DAYS SINCE A FUCKING IN THE BATHROOM INCIDENT AT THIS WORKSITE."
--Kirk Ferentz has been, in his own words, "randier than a goat with four balls" during this tumultuous year at Iowa. "It's been a hard year both in the Big Ten, and in my pants," said Ferentz in a candid interview. "I feel for the missus, because it's been two, three times a day for her, and I've been just plain unreasonable about it, frankly. I've been in the saddle so many times a day I feel like I need my own riding silks."
Ferentz paused, and shook his head. "I'm really putting the F in Ferentz, and I just can't stop."
Ferentz blames stress for the manic sexual activity, and plans to seek help for the problem.
--Coach Rich Rodriguez working with MIT mathematicians to devise six running-back backfield for West Virginia under current alignment and personnel rules of college football. "We remain convinced of the possibility of this theorem," said MIT mathematician Gilbert Strang, "especially with the emergence of Noel Devine at tailback, who is already busy at work creating new, quantum-fast offspring to take his place in the WVU roster."
--A side note: Also of interest to Strang is figuring out how Travis Henry fathered a child before he was actually conceived. "We know it happened--twice--but remain unclear on the means." Strang mentioned the possibility that Henry's penis may be able to appear in multiple realities at once. "This would explain some things, and finally solve the legendary conundrum behind the "I'm My Own Grandpa" theorem."
--Pitt coach Dave Wannstedt tore his own Achilles tendon attempting to remove his head from his rectum. "That's the last time I try do that," said Wannstedt, who quickly recovered and left his head where it has been for twenty years.*
--Syracuse coach Greg Robinson, after a disastrous offensive series, looked up at the sky and looked stoic. (Apply to any moment in Syracuse football save their victory over Louisville.)
*Translated from the original, which appears in full here: "Mrph MRPH MMM RRPFPH MmR PHR MMRR RRRPPPH MMMMR UGGHGHHHNNG URRRF."