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Transitive Property Football Herpes is no laughing matter, citizen. It does not sleep. It comes in the guise of a friend and leaves you burning in places you never imagine could burn. And it's spreading, citizen, like a wildfire across these beautiful gridirons of our nation.

The good news is that, with proper protection, it's preventable. And we at EDSBS Labs ("Bringing You The Future, One Past At A Time!") have identified the index case, method of transmission, and its chief wellsprings. Remember, these three steps will help those seeking to avoid catching "the Spanish Friend" from football encounters:

1. Use protection. Max protection, if necessary.

2. The best defense is a good offense! A spread offense with a mobile quarterback, if at all possible.

3. Wash hands immediately after contact. Hand sanitizers are not enough--a full washing of the hands can do more to prevent infection than almost anything. Sing Yankee Doodle while washing with warm water and soap--this is more than enough time to kill 99.99% of germs, and is an easy way to safely interact with carriers.

4. Beat them in football games.

Vigilance, citizen! Good health is just a good offensive line away. Recruit, wash, and spread your way to a transitive football herpes-free life! Only together can we tackle this problem together.