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 LSU says: This is the end of your life.
LSU is a werewolf with a chainsaw for a dick. That's the prevailing image from this weekend: LSU wolfing out on Virginia Tech in a manner so ugly and decisive only the most surreal of horror movie imagery can cover it. Everyone knew qb Sean Glennon fell under the "liability" category; against LSU, however, Glennon became a null set with a line of 2/10, O TDs, 1 INT, and an early yank for a true freshman on the road against LSU. At that point, you do not hold a clipboard, but rather a bucket of ice containing your freshly-detached balls. Defensively, they're infected with THE RAGE. Offensively, they've become polymaths, using the new Gary Crowton "rag and bone shop" attack--combining everything from pistol-formation option, five wide sets, power runs, the wishbone, the wing-T, the flying wedge, The Von Schlieffen Plan, the opening sets of Rite of Spring and formations only found in Coach Red Beaulieu's magical University of Louisiana Cougars playbook--to rack up horrendous numbers on the vaunted Hokie defense: 297 yards rushing, 301 yards passing. Their competition's been weak thus far, but in proof, they're the nightmares you don't want right now. Whatever you do, don't fall asleep... No honesty, please--we're Southern. Proof positive that Southerners are roaring heroes when drunk and mincing nancies in the public sphere is any and all outrage re: Steve Spurrier's postgame comments on South Carolina's 16-12 upset of Georgia on Saturday. "It wasn't like they were some big, powerful team," Spurrier said on his television show Sunday. "They've actually lost five in a row to Eastern Division opponents. Kentucky and Vandy beat 'em last year." And this is controversial because it's...true? Honest? Accurate? Georgia's front four defensively skated backwards in the fourth quarter against an O-line that had serious difficulty blocking just a week earlier against University of Louisiana-Lafayette. If this angers you, you should likely consider writing angry letters to the Weather Channel for their consistently accurate forecasting and irresistable smooth jazz tunes. (HEY! No one sets out to be a smooth jazz musician.)  Dissent is patriotic. Seguing nicely into further truth-telling, MZone agrees that saying Michigan's defense sucks is not just right, it's a patriotic duty, dammit. Pac 10 Football, CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. Kind words about Pac-10 football kind words about Pac-10 football!!! Please note that an SEC-centered blog writes the following: Oregon sacked the once-proud city of Ann Arbor, UCLA closed out a game against a very tough BYU team by grinding out a win on the ground, Washington snapped the longest win streak in the nation by beating Boise State, Cal won a deceptively tough game against Colorado State on the road, and Arizona State punished us for paying Colorado a compliment by blasting DIVISION ONE FOOTBAAAAALL Buffaloes 33-14. Only Oregon State's 34-3 catastrophe against Cincinnati mars a stunning weekend for the conference. The dude in the singlet is our new leader. All hail the singlet. We'll pay good money for a shot of the USF fan who wore a singlet to Auburn and was caught on camera scratching his balls on national television. Seriously. Like, at least a dollar. <!-- End content section --> |
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