We're slow getting to this--but we've been busy with that purple drank and getting Joel to make Blake dance. Peter had a post re: the players you'd like to steal from other teams regardless of how vile their current affiliation might be to you. (E.g. Texas fan drafting Aggie, Florida fan drafting Nole, Stanford fan drafting poor person...you understand.)
The EDSBS Traitor's Draft must include the following picks:
Glenn Dorsey, DT LSU. Once we went fishing off Destin with a crusty old redneck friend. At 5:30 in the morning, no one felt too talkative in the car. A flabby, shirtless power walker strode along the road, his rolls giggling to themselves in the early morning sun. Crusty old redneck friend, his voice cut by years of Marlboro Reds, said simply as we passed him: "Good morning, fatass."
Good morning, fatass. We only mean that in the best possible way.
Good morning, Glenn Dorsey, just the fatass defensive tackle we want to draft onto the Florida Gators. 6' 2", 300 pounds, and could double as a riot control barrier if he had to in a pinch. Dorsey's huge, but possessed of a supernatural quickness you've come to yawn at on the mind-boggling LSU roster.
Can make math very difficult for an offensive coordinator looking to maintain protection, since he'll draw double teams or take in two blockers through sheer gravitational attraction.
Dicky Lyons, Jr., WR, Kentucky. Demonstrated a first rate temperament by not leaving Kentucky when Joker Phillips, Wildcat offensive coordinator, insisted on calling incoming recruit Richard Lyons, Jr. "Dicky" like his father. Also demonstrated gecko hands on this one-handed catch against Mississippi State:
And finally, showed off some vanilla pimpin' in his team photo and in a now-vanished video where Dickie got down like whoa. Not a preseason All-SEC pick, and shouldn't be, since he only had 271 yards of receiving last year. However, every team needs a white wide receiver with amazing hands and a little shameless WWE flair. Dicky Lyons is that guy based on style alone. (Hey, Florida's already got 35 wide receivers on the roster. We can afford the fashion pick.)
Quentin Groves, Auburn. Holy smoking hell--Groves single-handedly disintegrated Florida's offense in the second half of last year's game, so he makes this list by default. Tuberville always seems to have one speedy, menacing defensive end who laughs at your sad attempts to block him, and Groves occupies that spot again this year. We draft him just to take him off of your depth chart, Auburn fans, even if he can (like any quarterback-hungry defensive end) get plowed from time to time on run plays.
Andre Smith, OT, Alabama. Not a genius pick here--Andre Smith is 6'4", 340, big off the run blocks and downright obstructive in pass protection. Worse still for those attempting to get past him, he's just entering his sophomore year and will likely be even nimbler than he was this year thanks to Alabama's recent slimming-down of their linemen in offseason conditioning.
Oh,and he runs the tackle eligible nicely, too. Being the trick play whores we are, this makes Andre an automatic traitor's draft pick. He can do this, as well.
...which is nice.