Bear Grylls doesn't have to do the things he does. But you may have to one day, and it just may save your life. Here are excerpts from the upcoming season of Man Vs. Wild.
Scene: Bear, walking the tear-gas stained stained streets of Columbus following a game.
It's one of the world's harshest environments: Columbus, post-game. But you do have some help here. Fire is abundant, and since so much of survival is about keeping your spirits up, you'll need to start one as soon as possible. Fortunately, the local environment is filled with it: just look for a dumpster, trash can, or anything that will burn, really. It will likely be on fire.
You'll also need to find water, or risk dehydration. Even in cold weather like this, you'll have to find water, and find it quickly. If you can't find a river or creek, you may have to resort to desperate measures in a waterless environment. Find a styrofoam cooler, remove the top, and then perform an old Bushman's trick to give yourself an unpleasant but possibly life-saving refreshment. (These coolers are usually loaded with feces, a last-ditch source of water for survival.)
One warning, though: the liquid you squeeze from this may be pure beer, which may dehydrate you. If anything, it's a quick fix until you can find a real water source.
Miami, Florida: The Orange Bowl.
Scene: Bear is dropped into gameday in the Orange Bowl.
Stripping off parachute. The first thing you must know about this environment is how incredibly dangerous it is.
The indigenous wildlife here shoots lead pellets at astonishing speeds without warning or provocation. Many German explorers have found this out the hard way. People have been known to survive for years, even decades here, though, with the help of some sound survival tactics, a little luck, and the help of a wily tax attorney.
Be sure to dine on the local frogs, turtles, and wild birds, which are all excellent sources of protein. Do not, however, eat the local primates--they're either too old to consume, or too laced with silicone, which will poison you and kill you quickly, or worse still, covered in gold chains, tanner, cologne, and gel, which makes them nearly indigestible.
Pass them by, and look for a tasty frog before heading north to look for a way out and, if we're lucky today, a wily tax attorney.
Stuck in Starkville Mississippi.
Bear stands in the middle of Starkville, Mississippi.
This is a not a real result for me here: as you can see, I'm surrounded by miles and miles of absolute nothingness. The obstacles here are immense, indeed. No obvious water sources, no obvious food sources, and little to no possibilities of shelter. This is as close to a real wasteland as you'll find, but you can survive. Collect rainwater when it comes, and be sure to eat maggots from the carcass of corpses you find. It's protein in an environment without a lot of advantages, so take it while you can.
If you're looking for a dead animal, just look for their football program, one of the few obvious things in this desperate landscape.
Challenge: Lawrence, Kansas.
Bear approaches a huge, blue object.
Whoa, now here's a problem. It's huge, and we simply can't get around it by walking.
Survival throws up a thousand obstacles. This is just one.
We'll have to climb it. Not the best option, but this stands between us and survival, and we've simply got to get around it. When climbing, use your legs for power, and keep your arms straight and relatively relaxed. Conserve your energy in a resting position when possible.
This could take a while, so be sure to bring whatever food you've foraged with you.
Bear trots at a nice pace along the streets of town.
Sometimes, survival is a matter of doing what you have to do. And sometimes that means hunting, even if you're squeamish.
Fortunately, the mountains of East Tennessee are full of well-marbled protein on the boot. The local wildlife is slow, large, and often clueless as to what's going on around them until the last second. Be careful, as once they are aware that you're hunting them, they can become really, really violent, and are armed to the teeth with all kinds of naahhhsty sharp things.
They also make nice shelter, as you can eat them, and then climb inside the huge carcasses for a warm night of sleep. Their bright orange hides make excellent signals, too, for potential rescuers to spot you by. A slingshot will do, provided you're stealthy and don't arouse them.
Remember, if you can't hunt one, you may be able to find a fresh carcass to eat off of for a quick boost of energy. Remember to only eat fresh kills, identified by vultures waiting nearby, the absence of maggots, and a freshly planted shiv or pool cue rammed through a body part. Also check the pockets--if their valuables are still there, then this is truly a fresh East Tennessee kill.
Grab your pocket knife, dig in, and most importantly, keep moving, survivor.