Since someone assumes we care about basketball, we give our official statement on the Billy Donovan signing.
Thank you for eleven years of stellar service. You grew the puny sapling that was the Florida program into a mighty, ass-kicking oak of immense strength and power. You are to credit, and for that talent the Orlando magic is about to turn you into a cash-farting demigod. Congratulations, and thanks.
That said: turn in your sword immediately. If you refuse, guards will take it from you by force. Your shield shall be broken in four pieces and melted anew, so that you may no longer enjoy its protection. Your epaulets shall be stripped from your shoulders, and your ceremonial robes will be torn from your body.
You shall leave the city naked on the dusty highway with naught but your hairgel to comfort you. We will not see you, as our backs are turned already to you, our faces scanning the horizon for a younger, even more brutal champion. You are now dust.
Again: our gratitude is immense. It also ends here. This is Sparta. See you at the bottom of the well, sir.