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YOUR NFL DRAFT MINDFARK OF THE DAY: WALTER THOMAS

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We checked the calendar to see if we'd been Sid-Finched: nope, it's April 25th. Checked the byline: that's the Times, all right, and not terribly prone to making things up under Lee Jenkins' byline. Evidently the whole story on Walter Thomas, dark horse draft pick for 2007, is real and verified fact.

And barring some spectacular photoshopping, this shot of Shamu doing a backflip is real, too.


And Sea World applauds!

If you've ever wondered what all those pesky academic and behavioral regs surrounding college football prevent you, the college football fan, from seeing, Walter Thomas provides an extreme example of just that. Booted from Oklahoma State for a sprained cerebrum after a year (Sooners fans, wait a moment for the guffaws to settle,) Thomas settled at Northwest Mississippi Community College before being arrested on a charge of conspiracy to commit armed robbery. (Kids!) He only played two games in his entire career, but we've decided to love him for the following reasons:

--Runs the 40 in 4.9 seconds
--Is a 6'5" defensive tackle
--Showed up a day late for his interview with Jenkins
--Can bench press 475 lbs and squat 800 lbs.
--Is part of a rap group called "Tre Slide"
--Would be a perfect running mate for Pac-Man in Tennessee:

"Growing up, Thomas was somewhat self-conscious about his size, so he befriended the smallest kids in school. They played a game called "Cut the Cake," in which they found the biggest building in town and raced each other around it."

Smallest kid meets biggest kid? BFF? Two thugs make good? Or destroy whole wards of Nashville during one of their 30th birthday parties? Either way, it must happen, Mike Reinfeldt.