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Location: New York City, New York. EDSBS correspondent Dexter Bristol reporting.

Pete Carroll, noted humanitarian, addressed the United Nations today as part of his offseason work as an unofficial ambassador of the United Nations and guest representative of the United States at its headquarters in NYC.

"It's such a blast to be here to talk to all of you," said Carroll, still wearing his headset with permission from United Nations security personnel. "I'm just so psyched. Hey, look there's a guy from Ghana. I don't even know where that is! But wherever it is, I'm sure it's awesome."

Pete Carroll, noted humanitarian, addressing the United Nations.

Carroll took the opportunity to advocate for increased humanitarian intervention by the United Nations around the world.

"Wherever there's humanitarian things going on, and humanitarian-type work to be done, I'll be there. And you should be, too, because that's what being a humanitarian is all about: being around humans and humanitarianness."

Carroll also addressed the special needs of African nations, bringing in his football background to make his point.

"I'd like to have a special moment of recognition for our African brothers and sisters, especially to the delegation from Nigeria. In football, we preach that the team is only as strong as its weakest link, which means the whole world is only as strong as Africa is. And judging by the size of the Nigerian delegation, wooo! are we strong. And just imagine how strong we'd be if they all had food! And fast! As strong and fast as, say, a prize running back or linebacker should be. I encourage you all to support more aid to Africa in the form of high-protein shakes and supplements."

Carroll continued:

"Another special concern of mine is the welfare of the Polynesian islands, known to you political types as the Oceanic nations. Most people point to obesity being a problem there, generating people of tremendous size. But isn't the real problem in our self-image? Despite their weight, the people of Polynesia--um, especially American Samoa and Hawaii--demonstrate remarkable dexterity and agility. Instead of making them live up to our absurd, narrow standards of physical beauty, let's celebrate their girth--nay! We must encourage it."

Carroll concluded his speech by announcing that he would be available for autographs in the lobby with his good friends Will Ferrell, Dominique de Villepin, and Xzibit.

Pete Carroll: making sure the Konishikis of tomorrow aren't snuffed out by negative self body-imaging.