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ALERT JACK BAUER: SYLVESTER CROOM TO VISIT WHITE HOUSE.

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Bear Bryant, when he wasn't breaking the soul of young sideline reporters, coached football. And like Chuck Yeager was for pilots, anyone and everyone who ever played under him not named Joe Willie Namath attempted to adopt the Bear's manner of speaking point for point. And no one, we mean no one has accomplished this to the extent Mississippi State coach Sylvester Croom has.

It's difficult to overstate, really, just how deep his voice is but we'll try.

--Croom's voice makes Barry White sound like King Diamond.

--Croom doesn't fish; rather, he ducks his head under the surface of the lake and hums, happily skimming his stunned catch off the surface with a net.

--He repels boatloads of Somali pirates with a single bellow.

--He can control the migratory patterns of elephants by humming the bassline to "Mmm Mmm Mmm" by the Crash Test Dummies while sitting in his chair.

All completely true, which is why we're alarmed by his visit to the White House today, since a simple "Thank You, Mr. President" could be enough to shake the rafters loose and bring the heart of our democratically elected leadership down around his ears. We plead for Croom to whisper, and perhaps only rattle the buttons off our President's expensive French suit in the process.

Since we couldn't find footage of Croom talking, here is the Miss State band giving good advice if you should find yourself trapped one on one with a loquacious Croom: Don't Fear the Reaper. If ever there were a uni with a fever for cowbell, it would be Miss State. If the two guys manning the very special percussion in this song do not amuse you, you dine on baby kittens seasoned with despair.

Where's the cowbell?