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ARKANSAS, NOT YOUR KANSAS: GREAT THINGS ABOUT ARKANSAS

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The Florida Gators face the Arkansas Razorbacks, their final opponent for 2006, this Saturday in the Georgia Dome for the SEC Championship. Since we believe in establishing a high standard of sportsmanship prior to such a pivotal and potentially volatile game, we would like to take this opportunity to make sure we properly laud the accomplishments of our esteemed opponent.

Therefore, we sing the praises of Arkansas, both on the gridiron and as a great part of this blessed nation.

Great Things About Arkansas.

1. No shirt, no shoes, no problem. In fact, the entire state is clothing optional, one of the side benefits of electing Bill Clinton governor 32 times. Try it and see sometime if you don't believe us. *


"Arkansas, the government can't tell you what to do with your money. Or your pants. (Smile, hold out fist with thumb clenched on top.)"

2. The state book is "The Bible," boldly chosen by the state legislature as a gesture of defiance to its neighbors' choices of state book. Tennessee still claims I Lived To Tell It All: The George Jones Story as its state book, while Mississippi adopted The Necronomicon: Sacred Tome of the Evil Dead as its state read. For the record, Louisiana's official state book is a battered but still intact Penthouse from 1978, which current governor Kathleen Blanco describes as "a grand tradition, and totally, totally, and I mean totally hot."

3. Hosts a football team with such illustrious names as Houston NUTT, Casey DICK, and Robert JOHNSON, all men well endowed with talent, verve, and an undeniable lust for winning. The names, all adopted on entry into the Arkansas program, represent part of a unique funding scheme for the football program, with players taking names from Vivid Videos adult entertainment movies in exchange for scholarship funds.

This arrangement will culminate in the renaming of War Memorial Stadium in 2008, which will become "Jenna Jameson's Clitoral Commando Vibe Unit Park," which school officials plan to refer to as "the J.J.". "The idea is to forever associate 'buzz' with Arkansas football," says Arkansas Athletics Marketing director Telly Gaines. "We think this should do it."

4. The State Historic Cooking Vessel is "the Dutch Oven." We weren't aware this could cook things, though we suspected it could certainly pickle, spoil, or potentially kill them. Ernest Borgnine would approve, we're sure.


Go Hogs! He'll bring his own Dutch Oven.

5. Calls itself the home of the Sam Walton School of Business, named after the founder of the ultimate retail success story, Wal-Mart. Courses include the immensely popular "Employee Imprisonment Techniques."

6. Their coach is still Houston Nutt, who is still crazier than a sack of rabid weasels.


He sees you. Run!

*EDSBS.com is not responsible for fines or jail time served as a result of walking naked around Arkansas. We would like pictures, though, 'cause we're so totally putting them on the site if you do.