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Any practice where "Tom Lemming" can be considered an expert is a dark, amoral science indeed. If you had forgotten that beneath the robust heartbeat of the season's action there lies the nasty drumbeats of recruiting, well, the Herald reminds you that if you lack both morals and the ability to make an interest that does not revolve around your own interests, you may be a future politician, assassin, or ideally, a college football recruiter.

This would be disgraceful:'s Bobby Burton expects opposing schools will use Bryan Pata's shooting death in negative recruiting against Miami. Former assistant Don Soldinger said he knows with certainty that schools had tried to scare recruits with the ''violence in Miami'' angle.

It is true, though. If you go to Miami, you'll get shot. Every. Damn. Day. And if you go to Berkeley--dude, you're getting syphilis! And if you go to Georgia, well, you're getting a ticket for driving on a suspended license. It's some kind of initiation thing they have going. And if your prized recruit child commits to USC? Will totally be partied into an anorexic mess by hanging out with Paris or Nicole. But they will be so, so thin, and that is hott.

Do you want your child to end up like this? Say no to the Trojans. After all, that Guatemalan plastic surgery adds up after a while.