Welcome to the Factor Six Preview, where we quickly preview games using six completely essential factors for victory:
1. Mascot
2. Head coach.
3. Team name.
4. General aura.
5. Best roster name.
6. The "Factor Six" factor. (Whatever the hell we care to throw in in the way of cultural add-ons, etc.) We could have called this the "Six Factor" preview, but it sounds so much more tuff and Tom Clancy-like the other way, like some sort of shadowy counterintelligence ops thing that uses a modeling agency as cover.
FLORIDA/VANDERBILT:
1. Mascot: Florida. The Commodore loses this race before he ever starts, really; robbed of any actual culture other than wealth to bond them as a student body, Vanderbilt simply owns up and puts a rich dude in a silly uniform as their mascot. This earns points for integrity, since they're owning it, but they lose points for not having the Commodore in a sedan chair born aloft by the bloodied, dirt-covered Chinese laborers who put the giddyup in the Vanderbilt family net worth.
We want the sedan chair! Until then, you're losing the mascot race to a tubby alligator in a sweater.
Florida, you've been Factor'd!
Won't be complete until he gets his sedan chair.
2. Head Coach: Bobby Johson. How could we, you say? We base the whole decision on the all-important factor of celebrity look-alikes. Urban Meyer looks like the Edge, but Bobby Johnson resembles one of America's most celebrated Dadaist comedians: Steve Martin, as repeatedly pointed out by Kanu over at Dodgy at Best. Steve Martin made The Jerk and was the best cameo in The Muppet Movie ("It's Idaho Potato wine...would you like to smell the cap?"); the Edge just plays the shit out of arpeggios and refuses to admit he's gone completely and totally bald. As someone whose hair has been getting outsourced at an alarming rate to his back and away from his head, we cannot endorse the more Edge-esque candidate here.
For that reason alone, we side wth the wild and crazy guy with the office in the West End. Urban can point at us in protest.
Vanderbilt, you've been Factor'd!
3. Team Name: Gators.The Commodores made "Brick House," the curse of white weddings nationwide. Not even their wardrobe and "groovy, feelin' so-free" hang-gliding references in the "Sail On" video can make up for the damage they've inflicted with a single song.
Florida, you've been Factor'd!.
4. General Aura: Florida. While we're talking Steve Martin: there's a great quote about him. "Being with Steve Martin is like being alone, but lonelier." This describes games in somnolent...um...Commodore Stadium (?) to a tee. We went to our first college football games there, and until the age of 18 assumed all games to be similarly subdued. When we attended our first games at the Swamp, the first roar after a TD had us cringing under the seat, sure that a bomb had just gone off and killed half the stadium. It's one of the few places where fans could plausibly carry on conversations from seats on opposite sides of the field.
And just to add to the patrician air of the whole thing, the Vanderbilt cheer is "SHOW YOUR GOLD!" On hearing this, bloated plutocrat fans all fling gold coins in the air, which are dutifully retrieved by their armies of Indonesian manservants, who are given whole dollar bills for their hard effort. Ironically, the only other place one might hear this cheer is at a rap concert, which we imagine is the only thing a Vandy game has in common with hip-hop.
Florida, you've been Factor'd!
5. Best Roster Name: Vanderbilt. DL Adam Smotherman. This is the best name for a defensive lineman ever; he belongs on a team with WR David Catchemall, FB Jake Breakface, and Safety Al Concussionstein.
Vanderbilt, you've been Factor'd!
The Factor Six Factor Six: Florida. Vandy should have, by all rights, had the opportunity to win this game on a two-point conversion last year. Earl Bennett attempted to shimmy for exactly 1.2 seconds before a referee graciously denied Vandy the chance to win by tossing an excessive celebration flag on Bennett, pushing the 'Dores back and forcing them to go to an eventual loss in OT.
If life were fair, Vandy would upset Florida and get back karma points for the loss with a win at home. "Red in tooth and claw" is our bet here, though. We'll bet on cruel and unfair every time, including this game.
Florida, you've been factor'd!
Factor Six Preview Result: Florida.