Welcome to the Factor Six Preview, where we quickly preview games using six completely essential factors for victory:
1. Mascot
2. Head coach.
3. Team name.
4. General aura.
5. Best roster name.
6. The “Factor Six” factor. (Whatever the hell we care to throw in in the way of cultural add-ons, etc.) We could have called this the “Six Factor” preview, but it sounds so much more tuff and Tom Clancy-like the other way, like some sort of shadowy counterintelligence ops thing that uses a modeling agency as cover.
FLORIDA/GEORGIA IN PUANTEUR-VILLE:
1. Mascot: Florida. As previously discussed here, lovable isn’t a close race between these two, since UGA would not conceivably value you only for the stored energy contained in your easily digested bones and muscles. UGA the animal mascot is cute, lovable, nattily attired, and beloved by millions. Florida’s actual mascot could not possibly be brought on the sidelines safely, though we’d break a rib laughing watching this being attempted. (RUN! FOR GOD’S SAKE, RUN!!! REMEMBER: ALWAYS IN A ZIG-ZAG!)
Instead, we’ll argue the merits of the human, suit-wearing mascots, and insist that Albert’s the mascot of mas integrity here. Compare Hairy Dawg…
…to Albert the Alligator.
Which one looks more like a representative anthropomorphic slice of their fanbase? We don’t know many Georgia grads besides Bill Goldberg whose traps begin at their earlobes like Hairy Dawg’s; in fact, we don’t know many Georgia grads who’ve ever seen the inside of a gym they didn’t play dodgeball or four-square in, since working out is for the gays and the ladies.
Now contrast that with Albert. Albert clearly has a slight weight problem, sometimes appears wearing a dorky sweater in public, and is susceptible to wearing a baseball cap at all times, even when one is clearly unnecessary-just like half the guys we know who went to our beloved university. That’s emotional honesty for you, since you, dear reader, are probably less Hairy Dawg and more like the pre-fraternity Hank the Tank figure that Albert represents. In fact, we’re sure he’s got a busy day in front of him, and is unsure how he’ll fit it all in.
Florida, you’ve been Factor’d!
2. Head Coach: Georgia. This was a difficult decision, but two crucial factors pushed it over the edge for us:
1. We watched this CSS bit about Richt having all of his players address the team and talk about their lives. If you’ve never seen this, it’s huge 250 pound kids baring their souls in front of their peers and talking about how they were raised in tin sheds with 15 other kids by a woman who worked 3 jobs despite having cancer, polio, and Guillain-Barre disease simultaneously. If you saw this and didn’t weep, you may finish the cute puppy kebab you were eating for lunch and go about your business. If you did, you have a soul, and can appreciate what a good man Richt genuinely seems to be.
2. Katharyn Richt is spank-momma hot. We don’t know why, but she is despite the mom jeans and the ponytail. If it’s a package deal, we’ll take it.
Mom hot: Katharyn Richt.
Georgia, you’ve been Factor’d!
3. Team Name: Bulldogs. Strictly a strategic decision, since you have to say the word “gay” to say Florida’s team name, a fact tirelessly pointed out by opposing fans. Anyone who points this out is, by default, functionally retarded, since our master plan to stock the Gator O-line with massive gay Polynesians would result in the greatest run blocking line of all time, as well as the best dressed.
Georgia, you’ve been Factor’d!.
4. General Aura: Florida. 14-2. There’s your aura for you.
Florida, you’ve been Factor’d!
5. Best Roster Name: Florida. Wondy Pierre-Louis, simply because he’s the only human being we’ve ever heard of named “Wondy.” Plus he’s got his own snaky dance, which you may view in the first few minutes of this video.
Wondy Pierre-Louis, about to shake Urban down.
Florida, you’ve been Factor’d!
The Factor Six Factor Six: Florida. See banner of blog, please.
Florida, you’ve been factor’d!
Factor Six Preview Result: Florida. Bias and the forces of hard empirical data force our hand: we must root for Florida in the game Saturday. Those passed out from shock should be revived with a hard slap to the face; that’s something people just don’t do enough of these days. If they do not greet you with a “Thanks, I needed that,” slap them again until they do. Life was just so much cooler in the 1920s…except for that “well, I guess I’m stuck with this here syphilis” thing, which would not be cool.
