Welcome to the Factor Six Preview, where we quickly preview games using six completely essential factors for victory:
1. Mascot
2. Head coach.
3. Team name.
4. General aura.
5. Best roster name.
6. The "Factor Six" factor. (Whatever the hell we care to throw in in the way of cultural add-ons, etc.) We could have called this the "Six Factor" preview, but it sounds so much more tuff and Tom Clancy-like the other way, like some sort of shadowy counterintelligence ops thing that uses a modeling agency as cover.
Alabama vs. Tennessee:
1. Mascot: Tennessee, though it's a close fight here since both teams suffer from profligate mascot adoption. (We've got a dog! And some type of woodsman! And an elephant! And a...color-coded concept? Sure!) Smokey is a bluetick hound, though, and its breed description wins this contest easily. To wit:
The Bluetick has a fearless and warrior-like approach to the hunt. This breed may drool or slobber.
Fan/mascot similarity rating: 110%. Winnah!
This is pretty similar to what we imagine most Tennessee fans do on weekends: run around the woods naked and braying at animals.
Tennessee, you've been Factor'd!
2. Head Coach: Mike Shula, since he's totally stoked about his jet-ski. See, there's all this static he keeps hearing about his job, but man, that's just how haters keep you down. It's just football, jeez. He's been in Tampa man, and that is the big time. This gig's just what he's doing Just head out to the lake, man, because being by the water, it just humbles you, man. Especially when you're ripping across the waves at forty miles an hour, man, yeah! His dad, by the way, owns a steakhouse. And he will totally hook you up, man.
Alabama, you've been Factor'd!
3. Team Name: the Crimson Tide. As noble as the origins of Tennessee's team name may be, it's eclipsed by the anachronism that is the name "Crimson Tide." Eschew the historical, and think about what it sounds like: a wave of unavoidable bloody rage headed your way, powered by the very movement of the solar system. With Tennessee, all their name signifies is a blanket willingness to do...something. (Insert joke about Tennessee women and loose virtue here.)
Alabama, you've been Factor'd!.
4. General Aura: Tennessee. Only Vol fans risk the multiple dangers of water transit to travel to the games of their beloved games, which take place in a huge white bowl situated between some ominous-looking hills at the bend of a river. Really: while you only risk crashing and burning to death to get to games, Vol fans throw drowning and being devoured by snapping turtles into the mix. Fiesta! If ever there were a college football Mordor, it would be Neyland Stadium, which at its worst and loudest does seem to be populated by Orcs made of mud and evil. Bryant-Denny, while very, very loud, does not have the same overcast pallor of doom surrounding it.
Tennessee, you've been Factor'd!
Neyland: Abandon all hope.
5. Best Roster Name: Tennessee. Chalk a third accomplishment up for the state of Tennessee, since they've given the world:
1. The Scopes Monkey Trial.
2. Salt-water taffy.
3. Jim Bob Cooter.
Tennessee, you've been Factor'd!
The Factor Six Factor Six: Tennessee. Their fans do not have Brodie Bama Bangs. +5, Tennessee.
Factor Six Preview Result: Tennessee. We're queasy just typing that, but it's science, and science is never pretty. Just look at this picture of Norbert Wiener for proof of that.
You'd want to invent cybernetics if you looked like that, too.
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