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LAMAR THOMAS WOULD LIKE TO NARRATE YOUR FIGHT WITH THE PARKING ATTENDANT EDITION

Lamar Thomas doesn't come into your house and talk that noise without getting his butt whipped! No sir, not here. Unless you can pay five hundred dollars in cash directly to Thomas, which we guess could get the now-former CSS announcer to your house to narrate even your most disgraceful actions with the inimitable style only a twice-charged batterer of pregnant women can.

Thomas, who as we mentioned was an announcer for CSS before his remarks during the FIU/Miami fight Saturday night, was unavailable for comment after his firing. We would like to rub salt into the wound that is Lamar Thomas' existence by saying that like Isiah Thomas, you suck at life, and even if the stain of using a pregnant woman as a punching bag ever wears off, the magic of Youtube has preserved your second (third?) worst moment for all to see:

Teague's got the ball!

Addendum: The suspensions for the game are out. FIU doesn't seem to have enough people left to field a team, since they booted two off the team and suspended 18 players in all. The price at Miami for booting someone while they're on the ground in a fight? One game, as in Brandon Meriwether's stompfest on some FIU player's head during the melee.

Expect at least three games when Meriwether re-enacts the opening scene from The Last Boy Scout, since shooting people while running an interception back seems to be the only reliable way Miami can score points on anyone this year.