Welcome to the Factor Six Preview, where we quickly preview games using six completely essential factors for victory:
1. Mascot
2. Head coach.
3. Team name.
4. General aura.
5. Best roster name.
6. The "Factor Six" factor. (Whatever the hell we care to throw in in the way of cultural add-ons, etc.) We could have called this the "Six Factor" preview, but it sounds so much more tuff and Tom Clancy-like the other way, like some sort of shadowy counterintelligence ops thing that uses a modeling agency as cover.
Rutgers vs Navy:
1. Mascot: Rutgers has a clear advantage here, since even though the term Scarlet Knight may reek of romance novel or gay bar name, it beats a ram wearing a blanket. Rutgers, you've been Factor'd!
2. Head Coach: Paul Johnson bought one playbook in 1968 at a garage sale, and screw you if you think he needs another. This is a tight category, but watching Paul Johnson compete with the Middies using an offense put together by the finest minds of the 19th century. Navy, you've been Factor'd!
Coach Johnson, Grover Cleveland loves your playbook.
3. Team Name: the Midshipmen. Again, there's the Scarlet Pimpernel overtones, since Scarlet is just a feminine name. Midshipmen, burly fighting sailors with tattoos and grappling hooks, is not not. Navy, you've been Factor'd!.
4. General Aura: Navy. Ahem:
Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. … If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad. —Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash.
We're admitted victims of "SEAL Envy." Navy, you've been Factor'd!
If only you were dedicated enough.
5. Best Roster Name: Rutgers. Jabu Lovelace still wants to freak you like you've never been freaked before. Rutgers, you've been Factor'd!
The Factor Six Factor Six: Rutgers. Navy wears uniform whites to games, never misses a round of pushups, and always keeps its hair straight. The Rutgers fan of our dreams has difficulty avoiding getting stains on their clothes, probably has hair difficulties, and keeps a few sleeveless t-shirts in the drawer just for emergencies' sake. We identify a lot more with the Rutgers fan, obviously.
Factor Six Preview Result: TIE. You may watch without stroking out or kicking the cat.