Tax attorneys and policy wonks, get your roll on, since your worlds and college football have collided in one grand story: the request by the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee Chair Bill Watson to justify the tax-exempt status of the NCAA.

Devil Grad’s all over this like gravy on Fulmer, since it’s right in his wheelhouse. The gist of the conflict comes from the same question we asked Myles Brand via the NCAA’s podcast, Mondays With Myles: what the hell does the NCAA actually do? Besides loan out its name to lucrative tournaments and pay its chief executive $800K a year?

Having a bit of experience with non-profits, we can safely say that paying your chief executive that kind of dough will get your ass audited right fast no matter who you claim to be. It’s worse when the inquisitive party here is the chair of the Ways and Means Committee, who if you don’t know is a powerful party capable of crushing windpipes from millions of miles away with his mind and likes to idle away slow afternoons by firing lightning bolts from his fingers at hapless interns. He is retiring at the conclusion of the Congress, but the decision of a legislative majordomo to “fire a shot across the bow” of the NCAA can hardly be brushed off in as leisurely a fashion as Gary Roberts does in USA Today. It’s a policy decision that will get you in the newspapers and take shots at an organization that is:

a. Unpopular
b. Vaguely purposed.
c. Quite profitable.

Sounds like easy and instant political capital to us, a veritable crying baby antelope with a broken leg surrounded by a pack of creeping lions on the Serengeti.

Green eyeshade? Check. Statutes log? Check. Double cappucino with skim? Roger.

Geek fight…GO!

Geeks…mount up!

The Wiz and CFB Stats keep their eagle eye on the statistical impact of rule 3-2-5-e, which changed clock rules in college football and allowed television to sandwich in more advertising while robbing fans of 8-9 percent of what they pay good money to see created a totally new and better game experience for everybody!

The numbers do not look good as of week five going into week six. Points totals between both teams are down:

2005: 52.61

2006: 46.93

The second half numbers seem particularly drastic. Point totals in 2005 varied from the first half to the second half of games by a split of 26.8 to 25.15 points. Want to see the impact of play-calling strategy, particularly in the final five minutes? In 2006 point totals dive from 24.58 in the first half to 21.63 in the second, a difference of almost four points. The crucial element in the decline? We guess getting off an effective two-minute offense with a winding clock combined with even more stalling by offenses hunkering over on fourth quarter leads.

The overall approach could most predjudicially be put this way: the Rules Committee has turned college football into soccer, where teams can take a one-goal/td lead and sit on it with even greater confidence in the other team’s inability to surmount the deficit. Nowhere is this more true than in the SEC. We’d love to see the declining point totals as reflected in the most points-averse conference in the nation, since we bet they’re dismal.

Actually, given the 7-3, 13-10 Auburn/LSU games of the past few years, we bet on this trend to worsen, with next year being a 3-2 final decided by a 65 yard field goal. Then you won’t even be able to claim the soccer parallel, since we’ve seen Chelsea/Tottenham games with higher scores than that. Myles Brand claims not to know what people think of the rule change, either, as evidenced by a sideline interview this weekend. We’ll clarify our editorial position on this rule, and what we’d like to see done with 3-2-5-e:

Attention, Myles: this is a visual metaphor, but to be clear, it means the rule sucks ass.

Dave from TigerSmack stops by to answer our questions, which we so tastefully constructed as to not include a single reference to corndogs, voodoo, or Hurricane Katrina. (We leave that to our commenters, who will surely get to all three in the first six comments. Bravo!)

In our discussion we discuss which food group Les Miles belongs to, his need for a better hat, Jamarcus Russell’s ability to throw football’s through human flesh, and a grown man who insists on calling himself Jimbo. Enjoy.

1. Les Miles: a calorie-free coach, or just oiling theparts of the finely tuned Saban machine while he strokes out in Miami? He kept the DC, the OC, tons of coaches…we’d be surprised if he actually changed the nameplate on his office door, since plausibly he could just tell people Nick stepped out for a second after a bad loss. What’s this guy’s contribution to the team?

The jury’s still out on Les Miles, but my take is that he’s a 2nd tier coach being carried by Nick Saban’s recruits and two world-class coordinators. Most of us who spend entirely too much time paying attention to LSU football have reached the conclusion that Miles doesn’t get involved with the defense but that there’s a bit of a power struggle going on between Les and Jimbo Fisher for control of the offense. Les would clearly like to go old school and run the ball up the middle two out of every three downs, and Jimbo is a little more imaginative. For instance, the Auburn game, where it became clear quite early that LSU couldn’t run the ball, yet LSU kept trying to run the ball until late in the game: that was all Les.

Les Miles: wrote all of Little Wayne’s new album. Totally true.

There’s two ways Les’ tenure can go at LSU. He can do a DiNardo, where he has a few good years and then it all goes to hell. Or he can take advantage of the incredible situation that fell into his lap, improve with experience, and become a really good coach. If I were going to bet, I’d go with the former, but I’ll keep hoping for the latter.

2. 3 points versus Auburn? 3? We repeat two questions: what the hell is the Jimbo Fisher’s offensive philosophy, and why does this grown man who makes lost of money insist on being called Jimbo?

Mostly answered in previous question. Jimbo, left alone, would open the offense up a lot more than you’ve seen so far. There are indications (Tulane & Moo State games) that things may be shifting in that direction. (more…)

Solon brings us his picks for this week while still waiting to write his column on his own computer, to be delivered to him sometime shortly. He may not want this, actually, since he’s been on fire since his computer crashed. Those of you who work in the delivery business, email us and we’ll see if we can sabotage the delivery. Enjoy.

I want to give appropriate thanks to Kanu of “Dodgy at Best” fame, who has loaned me his computer and allowed me to break free from the shackles and restrictions placed on a person who is writing a column at the local library. No, not things like having to wear clothes or being unable to look at porn between writeups, but things like having to finish in two hours and not being able to do proper research into injuries and whatnot because of it. (Solon, you’ve been warned: the use of whatnot is simply not tolerated here. Grammar police, signing out!-ed.) Then again, maybe it’s not such a bad thing to be largely cut off during the week, because I’ve gone 20-8 since my computer crashed, after starting 6-11.

Computer BAD! Wild-ass guessing, good.

Furthermore, my apologies to all who had questions and comments over the last couple of weeks; my computer situation meant that I was unable to respond in a timely fashion. Of course, this situation has been rectified and I will be able to engage in dialogue with commenters. So, comment away.

A strong 9-2 record last week leaves me at 26-19 for the season, a winning percentage of 58%, the same percentage I finished with last season. Let’s hope I can build on it this week. Here are this week’s selections:

THURSDAY:

Texas Christian (+3) v. UTAH

I’m not sure why the line on this game has gone so crazy (from TCU -2.5 to TCU +3); apparently, there was some concern that TCU QB Ballard would not start, but TCU HC Patterson claims that he will, and, in any event, he has a passable backup in QB Johnson, who played the 2H against Baylor, and finished with an 11-13, 148, 2-0 statline that turned a 7-3 deficit into a 17-7 win; these stats were helped by an 84-yard TD pass, but even without that his stats were at least comparable to Ballard’s 1H achievements. (more…)

Fanblogs has been cranking up a bit lately, and hoo-ray for that. They fire off a pithy reminder to the guy who flew the “FIRE COKER” banners over the stadium:

The Palm Beach Post notes that Coker isn’t the first UM coach to be the target of an air raid: Canes boosters flew a banner blasting former Miami coach Butch Davis in 1997 (”From national champs to national chumps Thanks Butch.”)

Even Cleveland fans don’t do that, and they had every right to do that with Davis’ professional work. Canny historical reminders aside, they’re right: Coker’s taken what was a great team and bumped them down to good, mostly through crap offensive recruiting, it seems. So how does a classy fan decide to jump ship without being so gauche as to fly a banner during the game advocating the coach’s firing? Which, we would like to go on the record as saying, is totally not what a classy Florida fan would do at all.

How to do it without being a total and complete banner-flying assface, according to celebrity experts:

Dr. Phil

-Begin an open and honest dialogue with the person, explaining that while they may not have been successful in this endeavor, they’ll surely take the lessons of this experience and apply them in their next successful venture. If they’re feeling down, give them one of my tasty energy bars or diet shakes. Then while he’s feeling vulnerable, grope him inappropriately. It’s low-hanging fruit, friend, but unlike those pesky secretaries, they never complain afterwards.

John Edwards, Psychic

-I’m sensing something here. Did you used to know someone named….Dennis? Who held the same job? Yes, he advises that you hold on for dear life, since you never, ever want to coach in Idaho…He says that’s a bad thing…wait! I’m hearing another voice…someone named…Butch. He says not to buy any green bananas, because if there’s only one jelly roll on the table that you’re gonna be the one with the fork in your hand at the end of it all. Wait…one final voice…someone named…Howard…he sounds as if he’s been drinking…wait, actually, that is actually someone. He’s on our lawn in a seersucker suit, and it looks as if he’s been in a barfight. He’s telling me that you’re totally fired, and asking for scotch and some Bactine, if you have any.

Mary Woodson, former girlfriend of Al Green

-Tell that motherfucker to get his sorry ass out of your life right quick. Then pour boiling hot grits on that motherfucker ’till he sizzles like fatback. I don’t recommend shooting yourself immediately afterwards.

Donald Trump

-Make sweet, sweet love to her. Tell her that touching her body is like stroking a woman made from platinum on a bed made with golden-threaded sheets in front of millions of wealthy people. Purchase goods for her of extraordinary wealth, and then make love to her again after a dinner of expensive lobster and the best steak wealth can purchase. Then dump her and tell her you’re fired just like I do on my very expensive and successful television show, The Apprentice, which is watched by millions of wealthy people each week.

Wait, we’re talking about a guy here? Well, do the same, but don’t film the whole thing this time.

Kevin White, Notre Dame Athletic Director.

—Is the employee in question…black? Wait, no comment…

Stephen A. Smith

-STEPHON MARBURY IS THE GREATEST POINT GUARD IN THE NBA! STARBURY GONNA SHAKE RACKS NOW THAT BUSTED ASS LARRY BROWN AND HIS WEAK URETHRA ARE GONE! EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! WEAK URETHRA!

Jeremy Foley, athletic director, University of Florida.

-See if Mississippi State has an open spot on their schedule.

Morbo

-Toss him in the departicleizer and feed him to my 10,000 hungry offspring so that they may taste how bitter failure is! And do not neglect to fill out the required HR paperwork, including formal termination notice and cessation of benefits. Morbo hates HR.