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In the "Ladies, he's single and unstable" category: Stafon Johnson, a freshman running back at USC, wept following USC's nine jillion to 17 victory over the Arkansas Razorbacks on Saturday. Johnson wept from frustration because he was the only USC running back not used in the victory.

"I feel as if I didn't contribute or anything," Johnson said. "Everyone wants to compete and get out there and show what they can do."

The story becomes particularly strange when one considers that tears should have come from the other sidelines. For the second year in a row Arkansas got plastered in Mongol fashion by USC, a team so obviously and painfully superior that, for ten minutes in the second quarter, the Razorbacks were forcibly demoted to 1-AA status. (Of course, that means they could still beat Colorado, but that's just September 2nd rules.) Has any series worked less to the advantage of one team than this one for Arkansas ever? Besides Cumberland College/Georgia Tech 1915-1916? Or France/Algeria, 1954-1962?

John Heisman has a score he'd like to settle with you. By two hundred points or more, preferably.