9:44 p.m.: Technical difficulties prevented 1st half liveblogging. We're on just in time to listen to Lee Corso and again wonder if Lee Corso got an eyelift over the offseason.
9:48: FSU commercial so shittily done the end gets cut off so the last line reads: "Think you know Florida State? Well--"
9:54: Did you know that ESPN has Monday Night Football? Did you forget that? Didja? Great. We'll shoehorn in a reminder just to keep you advised. Tony Kornheiser, God love him, looks like the talking scrotum of a prize bloodhound on television.
10:03: Herbstreit points out that Jeff Bowden sucks by holding up a big zero--as in the number of rushing yards FSU has in the first half. Bowden's nepotism is one of the most embarrassing public spectacles in college football and no one seems to enjoy calling him on it. Then again, we're nakedly biased on how shitbaggish this is.
10:06: Holly Rowe does not need to appear in games where the humidity exceeds 65 percent.
10:08: Fagg across the middle! Heh. Fagg.
10:10: Holly's also wearing an odd shade of green that makes here look like a rare melon.
10:21: Miami appears to have 13 men on defense. FSU meanwhile appears to have fallen in love with Florida's 2005 offense: two stuffed runs followed by one hopeless third and long pass. Work all of these out of the shotgun.
10:23: Excellent Christian Ronaldo impression by FSU's punter there. Unfortunately, there will be no yellow card for simulation for him. Oh, did you know that Monday Night Football is on ESPN? That's only the fifth mention of it since 10:03--and yet we hunger for more!!!
10:27: Good to see Mickey Andrews hasn't stopped chewing the bones of innocent toddlers during games.
10:29: Buster Davis looks like a Gamorrean guard in pads.
To all the relatives of the punters involved in this game, there is no hope for the knees of your loved ones, so be prepared for grievous injury soon.
10:32: We attempted to watch the "Full Circle" coverage while liveblogging a minute ago, and came too after a few minutes afterwards, twitching after pissing the chair and seizing violently. It should come with a warning for epileptics and bloggers.
10:36: Lorenzo Booker finally gets a sound checkdown pass from Weatherford and hits the afterburners to get the Noles in scoring position. The Noles have premiere talent throughout their roster. Only half of them get coaching from premiere unit coaches.
10:40. You're Jeff Bowden. You're at the goal line against Miami. What do you do? We're guessing fade to Carr, since that running stuff is hard to figure out, what with all the people suipposed to block other people and stuff.
10:44: Shocking. Simple fullback run for a TD. Still on script for FSU missing a game-tying FG as time expires.
10:46: Todd Blackledge is Coldplay for the sports listener. Bland, inoffensive, and probably something your girfriend/wife wouldn't mind looking at, either. We couldn't tell you a thing he's said in the past hour.
10:52: As bad as FSU's O looks, Miami's "Erickson '86" retro attack doesn't look any better. Wright doesn't really seems to know where people are supposed to be.
Buster Davis may have the greatest differential between game speed and leg length since Kirby Puckett. He makes us laugh simply by moving.
10:55. Jeff Bowden offense, 2006: bad screen, bad toss play, jump ball...and checkdown to the running back! It learns!
11:00: Holly on the spot, telling us she sees track marks where Antone Smith went out of bounds. Fashion tragedies and combination skin aside, that's why she's good at what she does. We swear we're not gay.
11:02: Drew Weatherford almost loses the game for FSU, forgetting that that's up to the kicker in this game.
11:04. Jump ball to endzone. How does Jeff Bowden's lawn NOT get set on fire every Sunday morning in Tallahassee? FG and FSU's still on track for Wide Left 2.
11:08: Just tried the Full Circle thing again and had to have anticonvulsants administered by TCOAN. Again, not for epileptics or livebloggers.
11:10: Javarris James drags all of FSU's defense on his back and Edgerrin, wrapped in a protective layer of Saran Wrap to preserve his natural freshness, looks on with approval before officials remind Javarris that having your knee down means you have to stop.
11:13. Miami suddenly has the look of a doomed team. However, Jeff Bowden is having Weatherford tossing up rainbows like Craig Ehlo, so there's always the constant effort towards snatching defeat from jaws of victory here.
11:16: Tony Jaa rules. Anyone who hates someone so much they'd fly off a skyscraper to knee someone dangling off a helicopter in the chest...well, they've got our respect and eternal admiration.
11:18: Todd Blackledge Value Added Note: mentions Jeff Bowden's retarded clock management, which took something less than a minute off the clock with three straight pass plays.
11:21: Miami punts. Jeff Bowden will run twice and throw a jump ball. Sometimes having these powers is less of a gift and more of a curse.
11:25. Miami just gave you five yards, FSU. Come Jeffy--JUMP BALL NOW!!!
11: 26. Dammit, you listened to the haters, Jeff. FB run and you do the sensible thing. When they ask you when you lost your soul later, remember this moment.
11:28: Mike Patrick: "Remember what a great job Larry Coker has done making this program look ing like a college program." This cannot please Miami fans at all.
11:30. Wright gets hit in the teeth and throws a pick to end the game. Miami's taken to that new offense like duck takes to wearing rubber underwear, and Jeff Bowden remains the luckiest man on the planet. Bobby would like some applesauce and a warm fuzzy blanket, please.
This has been the same game in facsimile for five years running: discombobulation on offense, flying bastard bandits on defense, and null value playcalling running between punts and fumbles. It's overrated, but on Monday night it's what you've got. Immediate implications:
--Larry Coker is in trouble starting about five minutes ago.
--Nothing has changed about Florida State. Miami has only one change to mention: their offense may be worse than it was last year.
--Holly Rowe is good at what she does, but should not wear green, which makes her look jaundiced.
--Fagg. Heh.
--Do not attempt to watch ESPN Full Circle coverage and liveblog without medical supervision.
Thanks for hanging out at the first liveblog of the season. We've got six hours of sleep to get before attempting to fit the whole weekend's smorgasbord into a single day's value meal of content.