clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


"When the hot dog came up, and some of it came out his nose, Kobayashi sucked it back down. To me, that's the testament of a champion and great athlete."

That's the comment made by competitive eating judge and melodiously named gentleman Gersh Kuntzman regarding Kobayashi's controversial vomiting of a hot dog back into his water cup during what eaters call "a reversal of fortune" moment in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest. Why wasn't Kobayashi disqualified? "The effluvia never touched the table," said (we have trouble even typing this) Kuntzman, whose name we shit you not is really Kuntzman.

Marshall, on the brink of losing the Fulmer Cup, dug deep down and did what champions do. They almost vomited up through their nose, ate the remainder, and plowed ahead to a likely victory in the Fulmer Cup.

Like Kobayashi, Marshall's appetites have gotten them to the top.

The man who saved Marshall from second place? None other than starting wide receiver Hiram Moore, who manages to put a nasty dent in Marshall's starting lineup and secure college football's most ignoble distinction with a trifecta of an arrest for driving under the influence, leaving the scene of an accident, obstructing a police officer and driving on a suspended license. Even if you only tally up a single point for each offense--the bare minimum under Fulmer Cup scoring--Hiram's early morning arrestfest overcomes what seemed like an insurmountable lead for Purdue and puts the Thundering Herd right where their rivals have been saying they belong: first in feckless feloniousness and multifarious misdemeanortude.

The effluvia never touched the table, and Marshall never gave up. Scoring closes at midnight on Wednesday, so it's not technically over yet. But barring a human trafficking/cocaine smuggling ring shootout/season finale of Miami Vice nightmarre scenario, The Division 1 team crown should go to the Thundering Herd of Marshall. On an individual basis, though, don't forget the outstanding individual work of former San Jose State player Ellis T. Jones, who by himself has been doing the work of eleven hyped-up VHTs.

The updated board will make its appearance soon, but for the record Marshall's score should be at 15.