The official 2006 Florida Gators roster is up and out, which brings us to one of our favorite pastimes of the offseason: seeing who takes craptacular photos. If college football teams serve as a surrogate family for graduates, then why cant we indulge in the same ribbing that inevitably follows the unearthing of horrid pic with mullet, closed eye leaving you looking like stroke victim, or visible pit stains turning an apparently harmless photo into immortal ego poison for all of eternity.
Before we begin, though, a review of the worst player coach/photo and fatal caption ever, last years publicity photo of Michigan strength coach Mike Gittleson:
"I'm a combat veteran!!!".
What is going on with Gittleson in this photo? He looks like Uncle Rico on a bender. This man interacts with people's kids?! Get it together, man. That's just embarrassing.
The strain of maintaining all of those Nautilus machines must overwhelm a man. Really, it must, since total overrun of one's abilities to take proper care of yourself stands as the only explanation of that picture. Either that or Gittleson is in fact a zombie, kept as a scientific curiosity by the Michigan athletic department to moan about the halls and scare the daylights out of unwitting interns.
This year's highlights include:
1. Reggie Nelson
Children adore him. Puppies wag tails at him. You know you want to be Reggie Nelson, who appears resplendent this year with dreads the modern-day Prince Namor would envy. That is a rule: defenders always look better with dreads, since they waggle on impact.
2. Steve Rissler
Do not stare directly at Steve Rissler. Do not taunt him, either. He has been thinking about kicking your punk ass for six hours, and he hasn't even met you yet. He has burned down your house and skinned your cat and he doesn't even remember why he did it...and he's still pissed at you for it. You've written a check you can't back, and he's taking a withdrawal from the bank of your ass.
And that'll be a latte with skim milk, bitch, on the double--and say sir when you give it to him. Maybe he'll let you live.
3. Trent Pupello
What can we say about this photo that hasn't been said about Rick James? Spikes appears to have been ripped from the velvety confines of his apartment, torn away from his harem of admiring, pleading love slaves, stuffed into a suit and bulkily knotted tie, and pushed in front of a camera that Spikes appears to be trying to pick up for a date later. We'd wager fifty dollars that Spikes is not wearing pants in this photo, and that you loved every single instant of it, you filthy thing, you.