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TENNESSEE PREPARES FOR MASSIVE MARKETING DEAL.

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The University of Tennessee is close to inking (journalisticese for "signing with a pen") an $80 million marketing deal with one of a crew of multimedia companies. The deal would unify Tennessee's marketing and media in a single deal with a single company--a move that would, as the article puts it, affect:

...everything from the broadcast rights to its games and coaches' shows to stadium signs to the little pocket-sized UT schedules people pick up at banks and businesses-

We have a few suggestions for the marketing company, since we feel like we have a good grasp of the target demographic, regarding partners, synergy, and strategy.

--Lose the free schedules, since UT fans rely on the woods for food and haven't trusted your fancy "banks" since they wouldn't take the bundle of Confederate dollars they dug up in the backyard. Most UT fans carve the upcoming schedule into the backs of their eyelids with pocket knives, anyway. Instead, publish schedule on free pocket knives given away at public health clinics, feed stores, and bail bonds shops. (Possible negatives: Could increase rate of drive-by knifings in Volunteer State. )


Market in places Vol fans find comforting and familiar.

--Mix footage of hunting into slack periods of television broadcast. Do not do same on jumbotron at stadium, as footage of flushed quail and ducks could elicit gunfire from the crowd, resulting in catastrophic damage to expensive Jumbotron screen.

--Bring back chee-to orange and white Zubas for the Tennessee fan who enjoys the "relaxed-fit lifestyle." Market research indicates this crucial demo includes exactly 98.5 percent of Tennessee fans, with the other 1.5 percent consisting of the morbidly obese fans too large to wear clothing stuck in trailers and homes. For this small but influential group push orange tarps/muu-muus and souvenir Volunteer corn syrup IVs.

--Consider extending cross-market musical theming with special Vols theme song written by genre-bending country hip-hop artist AgriBeef. Possible titles could include "Conversion Van Slam," "U.T.A.O.D.P.I.M.P.4.ME".

Big Nasty A lookin' Knox county shady
Creepin' on the hunt for a Big Orange Lady
Ass wider than a boat floatin in the Vol Navy
With the crispy-ass hair and a gallon o' gravy...

--Market familiar images of Tennessee football into the subconscious of Vol fans through placement in spots familiar to the fanbase. Test concepts include Phil Fulmer nude profile mudflaps (like these, only with fat man wearing ball cap profile,) genetically engineered Skoal that creates neon Orange saliva, and John Chavis Brand Mustache Wax.


Ladies, please stop licking the screen.