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...we didn't mean for this happen, but most of the good stories today are bubbling up out of Alabama. If this is actually true, then we finally understand how you wrote a whole book about this madness, Warren:

"Shula had to switch churches after being hounded by autograph seekers," reports Sports Illustrated, "including one who was waiting at the end of the communion line with a football."

(HT: The Wiz)

This means that we at EDSBS are now forced to lay down the law of when it's NOT appropriate to ask a coach for their autograph. These times include, but are not limited to:

1. While eating at a restaurant. No one wants to be remembered as the guy who caused the coach to choke to death on a cheese stick. (Or, if you're a Tennessee fan, on a cheese log.)

2. During obvious family time, as in while playing catch with daughter/son, etc.

3. Religious events, including weddings, baptisms, and weekly services. Obviously not a comon

4. In the middle of defecating in a public restroom. (If the coach is using your toilet, however, this is a perfectly acceptable and strategically advantageous time to ask. Holding the toilet paper hostage pending a signature is, however, poor form.)

5. During practice. Again, we didn't think we'd have to write this, but after the mauling deaths of several Ole Miss fans approaching the Orgeron mid-drill, we can't stress this enough. It could mean your life.

6. While drinking. Your fantasy might be to swig beers with the Ol' Ball Coach, but be warned: coaches know their barstools and know them well. Be especially careful in Athens, Ohio, where bartenders consider GHB to be "a no-cost extra" for certain patrons. Also exercise caution if drinking with Dennis Erickson--you very well might wake up pantsless in Mexico. (Which may be what you wanted all along.)

7. While having sex. This is especially true if you are having sex with the coach in question. Wait until afterwards to request an autograph to exercise the proper amount of courtesy and restraint.

Um, before we start the bypass, would you sign this football? It's for my, uh...son.