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Certain non-holidays garner our respect with sheer ballsiness. Father's Day comes to mind; while Mother's Day makes perfect sense--any chance to make offspring feel guilty for passing an eight pound mass through your genitals!--Father's Day shouldn't exist at all, since neither offspring nor paterfamilias gives a right shit in either direction. In fact, we're sure that for Father's Day, most fathers would just like to be left alone, given alcohol, and allowed to weep silently in a dark garage instead of being peppered with ugly ties and cards.

Cinco de Mayo should be mentioned, too, since it represents an entire nation getting excited about a military victory by the Mexican army over the...French. To repeat, that nation was Mexico, not the United States, which is actually the country where millions will celebrate by eating fried corn chips, heart-raping jalapeno poppers, and going pantsless in strange parking lots after drinking five Texas margaritas with the office. You have to respect the chutzpah involved in foisting a lame Mexican holiday on desperately bored American drinkers, or at least admire the creative permutations of carbolicious appetizers created specifically for the occasion (the deep-fried, nacho-loaded 'tater skin, the chicken finger-stuffed taco.)

So perhaps it's in the spirit of the fake holiday that Sylvester Croom put on his torero's cap and said ¡olé! to disciplining the six Miss State players involved in beating an off-duty cop last month.

"The legal system has worked, and our players have been penalized by the court," Croom said.

All will be reinstated over the summer and be ready in time to face South Carolina in their August 31st opener. ¡Olé!

Senor Croom plays the part of el matador.