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MEYER THREATENS TO SHOOT, SKIN, AND TORTURE RBS.

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All from the same AP article, which WATB excerpts, too: a plethora of dandy Gator gossip, including what is becoming a tradition, the Urban Meyer discontented quote, this time aimed at his favorite misfits, the Gator RB corps.

"I get very upset thinking about that position," he said Tuesday, two weeks before the start of spring practice. "That's not what is expected. If that continues, we'll play without a tailback. I'm not going to sit and watch that trash I watched last year. That's not going to happen."

This is just Urban cracking the whip and threatening his tailbacks with the usual mix of pain, pain, and more pain. But what if worse comes to worst, and Urb actually plays without the tailback position entirely? What options do we have instead of a tailback in the backfield? A few suggestions:

1. A full back only set. Billy Latsko, Heisman '06, baby!

Chunky man of destiny: Latsko for Posingman Trophy '06.

2. Two wide receivers in the backfield. It's like five wide...but slower!

3. An empty set, with just the Ladyback Chris Leak holding down rushing duties. No, wait, we remember what happens then...

4. Lord Humungus, the "maskback."

Just walk away...

5. Mick Hubert, bringing you the action live from three yards deep in the backfield. (Oh, my!) Would last two games until a Tennessee defensive tackle breaks him in two in Knoxville. (Mick would, in the midst of all the horrific clamor, still find a way to shoehorn in his catchphrase:"Snapping spine, internal bleeding, the life rushing out of me one precious drop at a time... OH, MY!!!")

6. The "Crackback," featuring a transfer from the UT basketball team.

Tall, athletic, and very, very energetic for ten to fifteen minutes at a time.

7. The "Failback," a "non-intensive academics only" award. Starter: Texas transfer Ramonce Taylor.

8. Bernie Machen, UF President. Imagine the cheers of delight when the man who ended the Florida tradition of halftime re-entry (and halftime "Beat the Clock" at The Purple Porpoise) is concussed by a blitzing linebacker. True to form, too, Machen gets no drinks on the sideline, so keep him away from the Gatorade. Correction: halftime re-entry was banned in '02 under Young, so Machen's off the hook there. But he has tried to limit tailgating drinkers, for which we'll leave him without pads in the backfield.--ed.

Bonus note from the article: Tim Tebow hit the freshman fifteen fast, ballooning up to 242 before slimming down fifteen pounds for spring practice. Damn those trainers...if not for them, we could have had the next Lorenzen running the spread option in a few years. Cue theme music for "Son of the Pillsbury Throwboy: J-Lo, part 2..."

Tebow: merely 60 pounds away from greatness at one point.