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WEIS VS. CARR: BLOODBATHIFICATION!!!

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In a result surprising no one, Charlie Weis delivered a fatal front-butting to Lloyd Carr in the 31st round of their Burger King Meatnormous® Division matchup, knocking the Michigan coach into the press box of Tupac Shakur Memorial Arena and putting Weis on track for a second round matchup with Tom "Hot Pockets" Amstutz, the capoeira master fresh from a stunning first round defeat of Phil Fulmer.

The match lasted as long as experts feared: Carr's inhuman tenacity matched with his unflagging conservatism served him well as the round count soared into the twenties. Weis came out from his corner swinging, relying heavily on his fat-guy muscular legs by sweeping Carr's legs and mounting pulverizing combination attacks on Carr's head. Carr offered little in the way of defense, but gave little indication he was capable of feeling pain. Weis flailed at the Wolverine coach for the better part of 27 rounds, doling out the sort of punishment men of his size usually reserve for a buffet, bag of chips, or stray livestock. By the 28th round, Weis' cardiologist was smoking and pacing nervously at ringside, screaming at Weis to put the mulish Michigan coach down before Weis' anticlotting drugs wore off.

Weis, clearly fatigued, went for broke in round 31 with a desperate, full-body butt-front slam. The bulk of Weis' gut swung to the diagonal and up, moving from southwest to northeast with stunning speed and force; the Michigan coach seemed for an instant as if he could weather the blow, just as he had for the previous thirty rounds. Carr's inertia failed him at last, though, as he sailed over the heads of awe-stricken spectators and landed in defeat in the press box. Weis celebrated with an immediate EKG and a Bloody Mary made with Skyline Chili, Ketel One, and a generous garnishing with a serving of Chicken Fries.

Carr will, however, occupy a slot in the USMC Middleweight division, if only to continue testing the hypothesis that Carr is, like prions, viruses, and Bob Costas, not technically alive.

More like a man...or kuru? You be the judge.