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COACHES' DEATH MATCH RESULT: AMSTUTZ VS. FULMER

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A shocker!!! In the titanic battle between Tom "Bailamos" Amstutz and Phil "The Batterer" Fulmer, it's Fulmer who eats tasty mat as Amstutz bobbing capoeira skillz overcome the fatigued, out-of-condition Tennessee head coach. Most of our expert analysts agreed that Amstutz's superior conditioning and bobbing, leaping fighting style played a key role, and that Fulmer's vaunted ability to shoot frosting from his eyes would play little or no part in the match. Reader LSUFan argues:

I’ve got to go with Amstutz here. Sure Fullmer’s got that cool frosting thing going for him, but that would only serve as some sort of homo-erotic apetizer for a man the size of Amstutz.

Bitterhorn offers a second theory of why Fulmer chokes:

FB does fine for 3 rounds until he stops listening to his ring corner and begins calling his own fighting moves. It all goes into the crapper from there. And it takes more than Fat Bastard’s ability to shoot frosting from various orificium to put Mr. Get Fit Toledo on the mat and keep him there. Besides, not only is Spurrier in the stands, he’s waving Krispy Kremes and a rack of ribs around on a stick. Clearly FB’s heart can’t be in the fight if his achingly empty stomach is elsewhere.

While we were giggling imagining the OBC waving a rack of ribs around on a stick, PSURob offers a chemically accurate but anatomically improbable scenario:

But Amstutz is obviously prepared, grabbing a goofy Fulmer by the ankle, and throwing a shoulder into his gut, dislodging several dozen undigested twinkies. The sugar quickly enters Fulmer’s bloodstream, causing near instant death by twinkie.

This would only be possible, of course, if Phil Fulmer fell into the category of ungulates who have multiple stomachs. Then again, what were the odds that Tom Amstutz knew capoeira? Life's full of surprises, like Jabba the 'Stutz moving on to round two of the Coaches' Death Match, Meatnormous division.