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COACHES' DEATH MATCH: CARR VS. WEIS

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The final match in our Burger King Meatnormous Heavyweight Division features a epochal battle, one that matches crusty versus crustier, grizzled versus grizzleder, and tact-impaired versus tact-impaireder...Notre Dame coach Charlie "Hips" Weis versus Lloyd "Bro" Carr.

In this corner...

Lloyd Carr

Height: 6'3"

Weight: Cruising at 260, we guess. Far from the other behemoths in this division, but when we asked him to class up and fight larger guys, Carr simply shrugged his shoulders and turned his back on us, which longtime Carr-watchers told us to interpret as a "yes." Manboobs more than qualify him for the round.

Hometown: Riverview, MI.

Fighting style: Bareknuckle fisticuffsmanship: knuckles facing in, both arms extended in flexed tandem staggered running parallel to the boxer's line of sight, a style featured in the movie Far And Away. (Hmm...another excuse for Tom Cruise to get sweaty and take his shirt off on film...) Looks something like this:

Paddy Ryan: taught Carr everything he knows about fisticuffsmanship!

Strengths: In short, unafraid of death or pain. Carr's immunity to hurt and Cool Hand Luke-style refusal to go down result in marathon, brain-bleeding matches where opponents often leave the ring in tears of frustration at the Michigan coach's ability to absorb all the punishment they can dish out. In one 1996 match, Carr went 34 rounds with Dennis "84 Proof" Erickson despite losing an eye in round 19 and dislocating both arms in round 25. A disgusted and rapidly sobering Erickson collapsed in round 34, later citing "the hideous noises of stifled pain" emanating from Carr as his reason for giving up the match. The quick nosebreaker jab and windmill roundhouse make for a simple but effective offense.

Weaknesses: Offense, since the simple style Carr employs really only allows for a nosebreaker jab and reckless, windmilling uppercut. On defense, Carr takes shots like Fifty Cent, but on offense, he's less John Sullivan and more Von Kaiser, telegraphing punches and waiting for the other guy to give up and get some sleep.

In-ring oufit: white breeches pulled above navel, cinched with belt made from the leather of a bull Lloyd stared to death in 1971 in Wyoming.

And in this corner...

Charlie Weis

Height: 6'1"

Weight: We'd eyeball it at 270, though in his days at Tom Brady's svengali we'd clock him just shy of 400, a terrifying number by any estimates. Weight loss surgery helped, but Weis' ability to pack on pounds following the surgical reduction of the size of his stomach puts him in a position of weighty esteem in the Meatnormous division.

Hometown: Trenton, New Jersey. What are you lookin' at, eh?

Fighting style: Shaolin kung-fu, mantis style. A graceful but devastating school of fighting employed only by the brainiest of practitioners, Weis relies on a here one minute, gone the next strategy of moving with opponents' strikes and countering with leg sweeps, eye gouges, and pinpoint hand and elbow strikes.

Strengths: May possess the dim mak, the mystical "death strike." Quick, agile, especially with the legs. Expert in confusing opponents into leaving themselves open for the coup de grace, especially late in the fight, and makes adjustments to opponents well. Fond of eye gouges and joint locks early in the match. Occasionally flies to treetops, lakes, bamboo forests, and temple rooftops to carry out epic matches with opponents.

Weaknesses: Like all kung-fu practitioners, vulnerable to guys who just rush, grab, and proceed to wail the shit out of them without thinking. Tends to tire due to smaller stomach in late rounds unless supplied with adequate fuel, such as pocket-sized Rice Krispie treats or smoked turkey nuggets. Tends to out-think himself at times.

In-ring oufit: Flowing green robes that make percussive flapping noises when rustled. Sometimes carries a fan capable of decapitating a man.

Leave your comments, votes, and predictions below...and as Captain Tenneal would say...


Get eet on!