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COACHES' DEATH MATCH: AMSTUTZ VS. FULMER

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...the second match on the card for THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS™ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION (sponsored in part by Crestor: “You don’t really want to die, do you, you miserable little piglet?”™)...we kindly ask the crew to please come in the ring and clean the greasy remnants of Coach Friedgen from the ring please, and would ask Mark Mangino to please move and bring back the sun...thank you, thank you sir. Yes, again...LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, without further delay we bring you our next two components in the "Goddamn, bust out a wall for their ass-" Meatnormous division...two dessert bar villains of unparalleled skill and tenacity, both hometown heroes fighting without injury at peak form. A matchup between two men so big, the number two is really stretched to the limits of its meaning: Phil "Gojira!" Fulmer and Tom "Hot Pockets" Amstutz!!!

Phil Fulmer

May spray frosting from his eyes, versus...

Height: 6?2"

Weight: 260-280 pounds, depending on lunch.

Hometown: Winchester, TN

Fighting style: Judo/Jiu-jitsu. Lots of throws, joint locks, and submission fighting technique here. Has been known to conceal frosting gun to blind opponents in the folds of his gi, or may possibly possess the power to excrete frosting. More on that later...

Strengths: A patient fighter who'll often run opponents deep into the cards to get the position he wants, Fulmer's greatest strength is his low center of gravity and long, simian arms. Won a notorious death match with Brad Scott of South Carolina by first blinding him with a squirt of frosting and then crushing him to the ground in a single, overhand blow stolen straight from the Ray Jackson playbook in Bloodsport. Officials searched Fulmer's whole body for the gun but found nothing, leaving many to suspect Fulmer of actually being able to shoot frosting from his tear ducts, a claim which has yet to be substantiated.

Weaknesses: Slow, and cannot keep up against a quick striker determined to win big and win early. Lost matches to smaller, faster opponent Spurrier early in career for this reason. Can be outsmarted. Decline as a fighter attributed to partnership with trainer/coach Randy Sanders, who turned Fulmer into a largely punchless fighter, a problem Fulmer alleviated by devouring Sanders earlier this year.

In-ring oufit: Black gi with orange belt. (Hey, don't say we didn't give him a cool outfit.)

Tom "Hot Pockets" Amstutz.

...the bouncing man from Toledo. Ba na na way, ba na na way, ba na...

Height: 5'10"

Weight: A couple of Samoans in a Toyota minibus or so.

Fighting style: Capoeira

Strengths: A little known fact: Amstutz, a veteran of the man versus bear fight circuits of Northern Ohio, is a master of the Afro-Brazilian fighting/dancing form of Capoeira, which disguises lethal, leaping moves in the guise of funky dance moves. Typically incapacitates unwitting opponents into gales of laughter before crushing the back of their heads in with improbable heel strikes or crippling them with leg sweeps. A shockingly gymnastic fighter who, after three rounds, collapses to the ground in a spent heap, but not usually before leaving his opponent maimed and laughing on the floor of the ring. A superb blocker. Lightining reflexes.

Weaknesses: The intensity of his capoeira style leaves him a heaving, spent mass after four rounds. His losses have all come late, and usually come from Amstutz throwing in the towel himself shortly before collapsing to the ground from fatigue. Probably as a result of his experience dueling bears in his early career, seems to have difficulty with hairless fighters.

Believe it or not: Amstutz does capoeira.

In-ring outfit: flowy, loose-legged green pants with blue piping in the colors of Brazil. No shirt. Try sleeping now, eh?

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