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We were driving down I-20 the other day when Salt 'N Pepa's "Tramp" came on, which had us thinking...

On the first date he thought I was a dummy
He had the nerve to tell me he loved me
But of course I knew it was a lie, y'all
He undressed me with his eyeballs

An interview two years ago with Auburn that eventually got the President of the University fired, orchestrated with private jets, covert meetings, and all the machinations of a botched CIA operation.

Yeah, it went about this well. Which isn't well at all.


Trying to change the whole subject
Cos everything he said pertained to sex
So I dissed him, I said you's a sucker
Get your dirty mind out the gutter

Last year's open solicitation of the LSU job and the open scorn piled on him by the college football media and the Louisville fanbase...

You ain't gettin' paid, you ain't knockin' boots
You ain't treatin' me like no prostitute
Then I walked away, he called me a teaser...

...followed up with an anonymous insider's tip that he was rolling through Oakland to interview with Al Davis for the Raiders head job. Who knows whether this is true or not--Len! We'll feed you outrageous rumors for free! Just keep us off the record! Mike Vick is blind in one eye, which accounts for his inaccuracy! Peyton Manning was one wedge shy of winning a game of Trivial Pursuit with us last night, but choked on the History questions and lost a heartbreaker to us on the final question! Randy Moss has had rabies for years! See? Even just the rumors of Petrino putting on the vocational mini-skirt and making his annual flirtation with whatever jobs might even seem to be open prompted Louisville, at 11 p.m. last night, to issue a statement from Petrino.

"I understand my name is being mentioned in connection with job openings in the National Football League, but I want to reiterate my commitment to the University of Louisville, our players and all of our Cardinal fans. The University of Louisville has been great for me and (my) family, and I'm committed to fulfilling our goal of taking the program to the next level."

We've heard this before, albeit from a slightly different, more deviously charismatic source. One San Fran Chronicle source said Petrino's definitely pro-bound, but wants one more year in the collegiate ranks to prepare. We're astonished he actually wants one more year; we imagine he's already got his family at the "don't buy green bananas" stage of existence, never moving out of the Extended Stay America, homeschooling the kids and keeping a car running at all times just outside the door. Perhaps he wants to get the undefeated season and BCS-buster thing running one last time just to prove he could do it at a second tier school like Louisville, or perhaps it's the timing with the pros, though the number of NFL vacancies next year surely won't match the Night of the Long Knives carnage of this year.
Either way, in honor of Petrino and the whore's rouge he breaks out once a year, we finish the song:

You're on a mission, kid, yo he's a...tramp