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FANS' BILL OF RIGHTS: ARTICLE ONE, INTOXICATION

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We may have to write a fan's bill of rights pretty quickly if this is what's around the corner:

Among the new measures under consideration are splitting up the student section or moving it further from the field, adding video cameras to monitor the student section, and adding additional security around the student section. Other actions under consideration are stopping bottles from being brought into the stadium and giving Breathalyzer tests to fans who seem drunk as they enter the stadium.

Being drunk as you enter the stadium isn't a right? We thought the real problem was being drunk as you exited the stadium after splitting the gallon-sized zip-loc bag of everclear with your friends in the middle of the second quarter. And how the hell will we ever get into a stadium, since we seem mildly intoxicated, or at least mildly out of it, all the time?

And will coaches be subject to the same standards? If they are, Frank Solich might be calling in plays from the sports bar across the street, and Howard Schnellenberger will be sending in semaphore while reclined in a lawn chair just over the fence, sitting on a styrofoam cooler loaded with booze and deviled ham sandwiches. Oh, and he'll have a Captain and Coke in his hands while he's doing it, Mr. Asshole Booze Policeman.

Coach Schnellenberger may have to result to an old signal calling system if new regs take hold.