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SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER, OSU/UM--IRON BOWL EDITION

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Scattered and assorted notes on Saturday's intense, horizontal viewing of both the Michigan/OSU game and the Iron Bowl.

Game one: OSU/Michigan.

--Sure, it’s live, but Herbstreit just said “Throw havoc to the wind” in reference to the Michigan State game. A legendarily mixed metaphor.

--Gary Danielson gets no props, contaminated as he is by the perpetual Musburger association. Not fair, since he’s succinct and never manages to talk over anyone, including the Indiana Jones hat-wearing Jackaroo.

Jackaroo! (Now you know why he wears the hat--pointy, pointy head.)

--Bobby Carpenter wept on the sideline when a teammate came over to pat him, and we imagined Brian from MGoBlog pointing and giving the Nelson laugh in bitter delight: "HA-ha."

--UM’s o-line just evaporated on run plays all day. So much for the "they only get negative yardage on sacks" theory about OSU.

--Flipping around, Saturday offered a crapulent early slate of games. Groh, Mason, O’Brien..aggh.

--Fade. Slant. Short curl. The only three routes you need short in the redzone. And the Gators only have one of them in their play book. Henne tosses a mean one for a TD and we cringe in envy, which must be noted since it's one of the few times we'll say that about the Michigan offense ever.

--Gary Danielson told us to got get chips and beer—the power of Gary compels you!

--At the half Lloyd Carr was: calm, and even called Jackaroo “Jack,” as opposed to “jackass.”

--John Saunders mentioned that Bill Snyder is retiring to spend more time with his family. One piece of advice for the work-a-mole slavedriver Snyder: nametags help.

--The Apollo 15 commercial for Michigan owns. Ohio State has a beer-gutted girl talking about how groovy OSU is. Michigan’s got astronauts playing “Hail to the Victors” in space. In fucking space, dammit. Advantage Michigan.

--No team runs more TE out patterns than Michigan. Nooooobody.

--Whoa…Nate Salley looks mean, like he just jumped bail and needs to borrow your car--now.

Nate Salley: mean-looking.

--"Where is Ted Ginn?" asked Gary Danielson. Great question. Ted Ginn gets this year’s Brad Smith award for greatest discrepancy between hype and actual production onfield. In NCAA 2005, he’s uncoverable. On Saturday he dropped two punts and a wide open pass for large yardage. A Heisman favorite who along with Devin Hester dropped from the national scene almost completely.

--Punditwatch: Before the game Danielson hyperventilated over the special teams of Ohio State. Musberger even dragged out his “what a weapon” line when talking about OSU’s placekicker. Saturday they were an outright liability, missing an XP, dropping two punts, and shanking another that gave Michigan the go-ahead TD and 2 pointer for 18-12.

--After October 15 of any given year, we would not trust Glen Mason to cook a piece of turkey bacon properly. Not even in the microwave.

--OSU wins on a Dar Robinson stunt catch and throw. Why don't more coaches out of time outs in close games allow the other team to score and go for a quick equalizer, rather than watch the clock bleed them dry before the field goal? OSU had it on like, the four--the chain of events that would have to happen to allow Michigan to win were astronomically improbable. Just let them score on the first play and take your shots on the next series.

Iron Bowl: Alabama versus Auburn.

--IRON BOWL!!! CBS says it’s the biggest rivalry in America. Wait, ABC told us that OSU/Michigan was the biggest. We suspect this titling is less than scientific.

--Reminder: ask Warren what’s up with the Bama defenders singing the awesome chain gang song pregame. Sounded like something straight off the soundtrack to "Oh Brother Where Art Thou."

--Ooh…Auburn’s cheerleaders are quality. Multiracial for variety’s sake and a little on the healthy side. Advantage, Auburn. Credit to Alabama fans, though: their male cheerleaders are very big and very black, and they're still getting cheers from the crowd while holding tiny blonde white girls aloft by their pudendas. Who doesn't believe in progress in race relations?

--The lamest postdated featurette of the week has got to go to CBS for Alabama kicker Jamie Christensen's profile last week where, blessed as he is with the god-given ability to make an astonishing two out of every three field goals he attempts, he has decided to play with American currency wedged in his sock. Why? Because he's so money. Pause for the coolness to paralyze you with envy and force you to lose sleep at night sweating Jamie Christensen and his limitless cheese, haters.

--CBS now infected w/Foxidized metallic and whooshing noises for basic stat displays. Boo.

--Darby runs like a cowboy with piles. He's faster than Croyle, though, but we doubt even Darby could have avoided getting sacked any less than 8 times given the freebies the Alabama line was giving. They were putting out overtime like hookers during Fleet Week for the Auburn defenders. Big black dudes stuck all up in their pads making life hell for Croyle all day long.

--During the long, inevitable conclusion to the game, we finally hit on who Tommy Tuberville reminds us of, workstyle-wise: Herm Edwards. Yes, the demeanor is different, but one thing can be said of them both--no one has any clue what either of them actually does in their job. Really, we watched this whole ESPN profile on a day in the life of Herm Edwards as head coach of the Jets, and as far as we know, this is what the schedule for Herm looks like:

4:45 a.m.--7:00 a.m.: Herm runs around the practice field and lifts weights.

7:00 a.m.--4:00 p.m.: Herm walks around practice facility, clapping hands enthusiastically and saying "Let's go! Let's go!" to no one in particular. Assistant coaches note the camera and patiently wait for Herm to leave the room so they can get back to work.

4:00 p.m.--5:00 p.m.: Herm addresses the team at a meeting. We would reprint a precis of what he said here, but we can't even begin to tack the stream of gibberish that came out of his mouth to any semantic wall. Insane ranting and a lot of giggling by gapemouthed players.

5:00 p.m.--5:03 p.m.: Herm eats a caesar salad.

5:03 pm.--12:00 p.m.: More clapping and ranting, this time wearing a purposeless headset on the sidelines of an NFL game.

We imagine this is kind of like what Tommy Tuberville does. Tommy wakes up. Tommy drops his kids off at school. Tommy films an ad for Golden Flake potato chips, and Tommy calls a recruit and shoots the shit with him laconically for a few minutes. Tommy walks around the offices where Borges and the rest of the staff puts together the game plan. Tommy films an ad for his local Kroger, eats some barbecue with some star-struck alums, and then squeezes in a quick 18 holes before running back to pick up his kids and get home in time for "Walker, Texas Ranger" reruns on USA.

Not a bad life if you can get it, actually...