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ASSHAT UF PROF COMPLAINS ABOUT CROWD NOISE, TIGHT PANTS ON WOMEN, AND PUPPIES

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Firing professors isn't what it's cracked up to be. We remember watching The Absent-Minded Professor on the Disney Channel back in the day--when all they could roll out from the vast Disney vaults were old Goofy cartoons, Dean Jones movies like "The Cat from Outer Space," and a strange show called DTV that set crappy pop music to the backdrop of Disney animation. If it sounds familiar to you world travelers, it should: it's pretty much the template on which Kazakh tv is based on, minus Borat.

He will crush you for mocking early Disney channel programming.

The movies always involved Professor Ned Brainard almost losing his job due to bumbling incompetence, usually documented by Brainard's less talented rival Dr. Shelby Ashton, the Ivy Leaguish pantywaist dying to get in the prof's girlfriend's pants. Ashton forever had Brainard on the ropes with some kind of evidence of Brainard's declining mental state, which would translate into Brainard pulling off a flubber-fueled stunt to prove his worth to the university: soling the basketball team's shoes with flubber, flying around in a model T, or testing the beta model of the flubber condom by personally banging Aryan Nation-looking hottie Nancy Olson into a drooling tapped-out mess in front of a coliseum of cheering students.

At any rate, anyone who attended college knows that a lack of organization and a declining mental state are in fact prerequisites for becoming a university professor. Add the diplomatic immunity of tenure and getting fired from a university requires near "Randy Moss at FSU"-level misbehavior. (We're still convinced he shot a man in the face in the middle of campus, screamed "RIVERSIDE, MOTHERFUCKER!" and then urinated on a portrait of Bobby Bowden in public while smoking crack. But that's just us.)

Which is why the University of Florida can't just fire this jackoff and be done with it. In a letter to the Gainesville Sun, the prof complained that the noise of the crowd was "unsportsmanlike," and then ended with an addled anecdote linking fan behavior to the war in Iraq. He went on in his letter to complain about the sight of women's asses in tight pants, an abundance of cute puppies in this world, and the insidious and sudden spread of drinking into the campus environment.

We wish him the best of luck getting sleep, as Molly Hatchet-loving Gator fans are no doubt pulling Camaros and Datsun Zs into a tight circle around his house blasting the "Swamp Compilation" in shifts until they elicit a public apology. (Respek to Football Huddle 3.0 for putting us on the story.)