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UNEXCERPTED AND SKETCHY UF/BAMA TALK: THE TIDE'S TURN

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As we showed yesterday, sometimes the press goes a long way to help young players out when they run their mouths off in front of the media before a rivalry game. Today the media--that damned mainstream media!!!--censors a football player's remarks to protect them again, this time excerpting a sterile nugget of boilerplate from the colorful remarks made by Alabama Crimson Tide linebacker Juwan Simpson.

EDSBS sources have again given us the unexpurgated transcripts of his remarks, which follow the bowdlerized quotes seen below.

Juwan had a few things to say about Leak that you didn't get to hear, including a detailed description of Chris Leak's fondness for applesauce.

> Bama LB Juwan Simpson on QB Chris Leak: “I don’t see what’s so special about this kid. He’s a good college player, but I don’t think he’s any different than Brodie Croyle. If you let him sit back there, any college starter should pick you apart. I don’t see anything that makes him Superman.”

Now for what Juwan Simpson actually said:

“I don’t see what’s so special about this kid. Notice what I just said. He's a special kid. Special like eating applesauce with a fork with a cork on the damn end. Special like listening to Michael Jackson's albums after Bad. Special like Timmy, y'all. (Screams in 'Timmy' voice.) CHRISSAY! I'm bringing a short bus for his ass on Saturday and parking it on his forehead. Beep beep, bitches. Time for your applesauce, you second-rate Vin Diesel look alike. He’s a good college player, but I don’t think he’s any different than Brodie Croyle. Except Croyle doesn't like applesauce or Michael Jackson and after Saturday he won't be bleeding from his special little ears when this short bus driver comes calling. Brodie's got better hair, too. Chris keeps it short. You know just from looking at him that he would have had the flat-top thing going for him if this was 1991. Brodie's got that white-boy frat shag thing going on, which works for him, I guess. Dude's got so much mileage with women he carries a AAA card for his dick. If you let him sit back there, any college starter should pick you apart. Unless you're an apple-sauce eating, flat-top wanna-be wearing retard. We're thinking of playing "Beat It" over the PAs just to see if he gets so excited he pees his pants and drops the ball. I've seen a retard do it. I don’t see anything that makes him Superman. Unless you're talking about wearing tights and calf-high boots. I bet he does that. Just goes out in tights and red calf-high boots dancing to Michael Jackson and the Backstreet Boys playing on his "My First Boom Box" for retards on a street corner in Gainesville. People be throwing money and shit at him while he sings "Leave Me Alone" or "Remember the Time." I might come down and throw a dollar at him after the season like this-- (makes motion of peeling off dollar bills and throwing them, giggling to himself)”

Chris Leak's role model, according to Alabama linebacker.