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DRAW! BGSU VS. BOISE: BREAK OUT THE CALCULATORS

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We must be living right: a rare treat for us tonight comes in the form of Bowling Green versus Boise on the smurf turf, giving us yet another football game in the middle of the work week. The over/under for the game? 77.5 points, to be exact. Bet the over in a matchup between the raging Billy the Kid-like Falcons and the wheezing, Doc Holliday Broncos, whose brutal scheduling has already left them hemorrhaging in a corner following a beatdown in Athens and a gasping three-point loss to the Oregon State Beavers.

A matchup worthy of a Tombstone reference, to be sure. Bet on the tubercular Broncos here to make the Falcons their Huckleberry, since they're at home and facing a defense several ponies shy of a full stable. (That creaking you hear is the straining of a bad extended metaphor. You're welcome.) Omar Jacobs, with that quirky, swatting-a-gnat-from-his-ear throwing motion, will pass for ridiculous yardage, of course, but there's not much they can do on the defensive side of the ball besides slipping the ref a double-sided coin and a couple of grand stuffed in a sock.

The official movie of Mustache Wednesday just became Tombstone, by the way. No other movie features such widespread mustachioed sassiness: Kurt Russell's magnificent chimney sweeper, Val Kilmer's fey, wispy dick duster, Billy Bob Thornton's sleazy faro dealer lipstripe, and the grandaddy of all Western movie 'staches, Sam Elliott's breathtaking trademark, The Nevada Prospector. Add the scene where Kurt Russell is on his knees in the rain and mud in histrionics screaming out "WHYYYYYYYY" to the heavens in a crane shot fading away to blackness, and you've got something truly worthy of Mustache Wednesday sponsorship.

Bow to your sensei!