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CRAIG JAMES WRITING: NARM! NARM!

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Has Craig James had a stroke? Is there something about being a former SMU running back that renders you unable to string words together in a coherent manner, much like his fellow media member/on-air performance artist Eric "Mushmouth" Dickerson? Or say anything interesting at all?

(We'd love to see lit. crit. of Eric Dickerson's inscrutable, struggling sideline bits from his stint on Monday Night Football: "Dickerson's inability to speak--to articulate, to emote--his refusal to allow the viewer to glean even an iota of meaning or sign, is in and of itself the commentary; a reflection of media gone meme-less; a simulacrum of simulacra; a sign unhinged from its fulcrum of meaning, allowed to drift in the digital void; a dark, exotic face babbling in a white milieu, clad in the irony of a tacky leather jacket." We'll take that Ph.D now, thank you very much. )

Craig James writes a column for ESPN Insider, and we already regret it. Take this slice of paid content and wonder why you should shell out the sucker's cash we did for it:

OK, so college football lost offensive genius Norm Chow (former BYU and USC dude) to the NFL. But that doesn't mean the game is void of another genius. I believe Mike Leach, in Lubbock with his Texas Tech Red Raiders, is off the charts when it comes to breaking in new QBs. This new tumbleweed dodger of a QB, Cody Hodges, did it again, firing away for 436 yards and four TDs. I'm tellin' ya, watch out for the Red Raiders.

Against who, you may ask? Sam Houston State, another straw dog in a shameful troika of patsies Texas Tech scheduled to begin the season following their watershed detonation of Cal in the Holiday Bowl. Not that Mike Leach cares--he's hanging out in his office as we speak not reading our site and watching reruns of Hart to Hart, we're guessing--but Craig James has got to know the Texas Tech story by now, right? Put up huge numbers against bad opponents and get slammed by defenses who stay home on the endless screens and blitz through the cavernous splits on the offensive lines? Just been happening for the past four years now, right?

Nope. Just happened. LOOK OUT FOR 'EM, WORLD! Thanks, Craig, both for the four year-old news about Texas Tech's pinball offense and for the painfully obvious joke about Louisville's exceptional Elvis Dumervil. (He's rocking in Louisville! We'll be here all week, tip your waitress!) The tingling sensation in your arm and the sagging left side of your face are definitely nothing to worry about.

Narm!