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HOUSTON NUTT WATCH: LIFE EXPECTANCY AFTER 3 GAMES

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First you lose to Vandy. Then you get to play the part of staggering, punch-drunk tomato can to roided-out heavyweight USC in the second-most embarrassing defeat of the season (Pitt losing to Ohio still holds the crown for the moment.)

One minute and thirty-two seconds=28 points down. In the time it takes to defrost a decent microwave burrito it was done and fucked for Arkansas. We've never done that versus D-II teams on NCAA 2006, let alone against a Division One team. Leinart relaxed on the sidelines getting his feet rubbed by Pete Carroll while the backups ran through the gelatinous remains of the Razorback defense.

In the time it took to make a tasty microwave burrito, the Trojans nuked Arkansas.

Our wingnut pick proves to be truly, truly nutty as Houston Nutt continues his slow descent from the lofty peaks of Poulan Weed Eater Bowldom by losing to USC 70-17. At this rate, Nutt's sideline histrionics are going to make Ed Orgeron look like Gandhi on the gridiron--and Ed actually ate an assistant on the sidelines in Nashville this weekend. (Vandy's students' coolies cleaned up the mess as Orgeron broke through the wall of the stadium to find a mate for the night, with the home crowd applauding the brutal feasting with the muffled clap of their white gloves.)

He has to be a man resigned to his fate at this point, so in addition to our patented Genius Watch column for luminaries such as Gary "the Heidi Fleiss of Boulder" Barnett and Rick Neuheisel, we're introducing the Houston Nutt Watch, our brief survey of coaches' job security relative to their peers as told in animal terms:

Pete Carroll: Galapagos tortoise (110 years +) If he could coach a hundred years there, they'd let him.

Houston Nutt: Mayfly(3 days). America's most fireable coach at this point in the young season, astonishing given Chan Gailey's continued employment at Georgia Tech.

Chan Gailey: Greater White-toothed Shrew (4 years) The Year of Living Dangerously for Chan Gailey gets sketchier with a clunky win over UConn with the backup qb after Reggie Ball's scary diagnosis with viral meningitis. Ball should recover (bacterial meningitis is the nastier form), but a quick jump to 3-0 followed by a flop in the dogfight ACC would reduce Gailey's estimate life span to the insect range in a flash. And considering the fact that it's Chan Gailey, we're still waiting for that flop and eventual firing.

Gary Barnett: Great Dane (7 years) or Vampire Bat (12 years). We're still waiting on this one--Barnett could either be gone after his seventh year if he continues his underwhelming work at Colorado, or he could stick around for another five without too much shock. His curious ability to evade event the slimiest of charges while piddling around at 7-5 continues to amaze us.

Charlie Weis: Lesser Egyptian Gerbil (5 years) Despite the shootout loss to MSU Charlie still floats on a cloud of marshmallow fluff at ND thanks to a frantic comeback late in the game and an open-throttle attack the Irish haven't seen since...well, ever, really.