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IF WE CONTROLLED ESPN, WE'D REPLACE TREV WITH...

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Since Trev Alberts, not convinced of his status as one of the five or six luckiest bastards on the planet, said goodbye to ESPN last night in dramatic, R. Kelly-ain't-showing-up-for-the-show fashion. Acres of webspace could be used to describe just how breathtakingly retarded Alberts was to do this, but we'll focus on the present and take a moment to nominate those we feel would bring some new life to the stale Gameday set.

The dead body of Justice William Rehnquist. A perspicacious jurist, controversial but principled; a gifted historian; a public servant of estimable integrity and undeniable dedication. Would lend his unique brand of owlish gravitas to a lightweight Gameday studio crew. And despite his lack of participation due to death-related circumstances, would still be more insightful than Trev by default.

Dead, and improvement over Trev.

Jim Cramer.

"Boo-ya Rece! Boo-ya Mark! We'll play a little game, is their offense diversified? OhnoIthinknot, ohnoIthinknot, and get this get this I heard an SEC report gonna downgrade Motorola this week which has jack to do with what I'm talking about here but I smell bear bear bear so RUN FOR THE HILLS KEMOSABE RUN!!! (Furiously pounds soundboard, causing bear graphic and accompanying noise to march across screen.) Next caller!!!"

Michael Brown, Arabian Horse Lover and FEMA head.

Rece: "Washington lost to Air Force last week. How do you like their chances this week against USC? "

Mike: "Their offense and defense are running as well as they can. I see no problems for them"

Kanye West.: "Steve Spurrier Hates Black Quarterbacks, Mark. I swear that on my Jesus piece."

Dusty Rhodes: We're halfway serious here. If you can have doofuseriffic Nick Lachey interviewing marble-mouthed Devin Hester on the first weekend of college football, you bet your ass you could conceivable have the American Dream pounding the table wearing five dollar sunglasses. Dusty Rhodes transcends demographics. Black guys love him because of the flair; white guys love him cause he's white-trash tough. Hispanohablantes love him because he doesn't speak English half of the time, either.

He's not pretty, though he would certainly say he was, so you lose the margin of female viewers that tuned in for Trev's Troy McClure looks. ("You may know me better from my role as an inaccurate, froth-mouthed pundit. ") However, you could just have a two minute segment of the show each week where Dusty looks into the camera and, after telling everyone how pretty he was, would say the same to the camera. We've heard him talk football on 790 here in the ATL, and knows wayyyy more about football than you might think, too. The voice alone would merit listening to games. A quality choice for the empty seat, we think.

He'd body slam his way into America's part. But hopefully not in that oufit.

Ourselves: Because we understand you'd have to be an idiot to throw away that sweet job, and because Orson wouldn't hesitate to tell Mark May to shave that twat-wig he's got growing on his face.