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We here at hold certain truths to be self-evident.
1. Solo cups contain beer, and beer only. Put gin in them and you will get what you deserve.
2. Women who clamor for male attention should always be ignored.
3. Never, ever trust a man wearing a sweater vest.

This naturally brings us to the topic of Jim Tressel, the Evil Sweater Vest patrolling the sidelines for Ohio State. Further proof that Ohio must be the single most concentrated puddle of absolute boredom in the universe,

Tressel's suicide-inducing brand of football reduces all of the innovation of the past fifty years to a numbing brand of football that, unfortunately, wins games and pleases the moaning army of enslaved pod-people chained to the benches at the Horseshoe.
Tressel, madman
Jim Tressel, Sweater-vested Madman
It evidently requires shamefully low academic standards, too, since Ohio State bombed in the NCAA's new APR ratings for academic success. Based largely on graduation rates, Ohio State finished fourth from the bottom of BCS teams. This might be surprising if we didn't already associate Tressel's squeaky clean personal image with Maurice Clarett, who mastered the neat trick of proving himself to be both corrupt and glacially slow. Or with a prior 2003 NCAA investigation. Or with his "gee-golly" mannerisms in interviews, which we are convinced cover the seething maniacal rage of a madman.

The numbers themselves won't be leaked as a whole until...well until the NCAA damn well wants to, evidently. They did toss the whole thing into the lap of Dennis Dodd from CBS Sportsline, who even cobbled together a list of the top and bottom ten.

Good news? Navy boys are smuuurrrtt. Ditto for Ole Miss-what the fuck???-and Iowa (not much else to do, right?)

Bad news? Pat Hill at Fresno State and Pete Carroll both grace the bottom ten, along with UCLA and Oregon. We couldn't guess that a program whose head coach resembles an extra from "Tombstone" would have problems graduating his players, but we're guessing all those free daquiris from the Fresno Applebees might be adding up for the Bulldogs.

Pat Hill: Did he steal your van?
And Pete Carroll? Who would guess that a private school in LA might not have the highest academic standards...hell, those kids on 90210 never cracked a book, and that was in high school.