Pooh-Bear, overcome with emotion. Or hunger. Wait, he's gonna charge...
After much deliberation-and a few too many glasses of Merlot last night-we've finalized the 1st annual All Name Team, Offensive starters. (All twenty of our loyal readers just let loose a resounding "HUZZAH," if only because they just postponed the delivery of their next TPS report.) Remember our precise methodology here:
1. If we could remember them off the top of our head, then they made the list.
2. It helps to be black or Polynesian.
3. It helps to play on a team that plays on tv from time to time.
4. If your name includes a homonym for anything remotely scatological or profane, you're likely to be a first-teamer. Sadly, we couldn't find an NCAA player with the name Dildeau Pupenshitz, but we can dream, can't we?
5. It helps to play for FSU. Having a great name is a prerequisite for all players in Tallahassee.
So now, our esteemed first teamers on Offense:
THE ALL-NAME TEAM STARTING OFFENSE!!!
QB: Syvelle Newton, Jake "The Snake" Plummer.
Honorable mentions: Josh Booty, Antwaan Randal-El, and
Marques Tuiasosopo.
RB: Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch, Daccus Turman.
Honorable mention: Napoleon Kaufman, Chris
Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Priest Holmes.
FB: One and only one-Clarence "Pooh Bear" Williams
TE: Alge Crumpler and Jeremy Shockey.
WR: We go three wide, if only because of Florida State
University. FSU makes a sweep of the wideout category
because it's a prerequisite to play WR there to have a
really, really, really whacked-out name. Finalists: Craphonso
Thorpe, De'Cody Fagg, and Lavaranues Coles.
O-Line: Pork Chop Womack, LeCharles Bentley, Sylvester
Croom, and Jimbo Covert.