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SPURRIER: RAMPAGING THROUGH A CIRCUS TENT NEAR YOU

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A bizarre story from Deion Branch, who appears to have attended the Jose Canseco school of autobiography construction. (Did he make out with Madonna, too? Or can we get a better one, like, "Pepa had my baby and Treach was all up in my grill before she knocked him out with a bottle of Cristal."

We can only hope. In the meantime, Dooley says Spurrier has the "memory of an elephant." This will come as a surprise even to those who would lick the sweat off his visor, since we remember him forgetting about Warrick Dunn out of the backfield every time they played FSU. Nevertheless, does Spurrier display other elephantine behaviors? Getting loaded off eating rotten Amarula fruit straight from the tree? Aggressive, nearly homicidal behavior during a yearly mating season? Will Spurrier charge a ref during the Clemson game next year, scattering innocent bystanders and he takes to the stands like Ron Artest on acid?

Note to SC officials: keep tranq darts just in case.