Every Day Should Be Saturday - Urban Meyer's New Robotic Heart Will Only Make Him Stronger

MEME GENERATOR: COACH MILES

by Spencer Hall on Feb 9, 2010 5:22 PM EST Comment 64 comments

Just a few examples, but we think you know what to do here.

More after the jump, but feel free to submit your own.

LOUISIANA TECH QUARTERBACK HAS A QB RATING OF 154 POINT DRUNK

by Spencer Hall on Feb 9, 2010 3:27 PM EST Comment 15 comments

A friend of ours was once given a CUI--"Canoeing Under the Influence"-- on a river in Florida. The shocker was that you could be given a ticket both for canoeing drunk (which he most certainly was) and that Fish and Wildlife officials could hand out these tickets. At the time it was the equivalent of finding out that Salvation Army bell ringers had the authority to arrest you, which unless they are very sexy they do not actually have, btw.

Louisiana Tech quarterback Ross Jenkins was given a DUI by Louisiana Department of Wildlife and Fisheries cops, and what's the rule Ross? 1. Watch the safeties, 2. Don't force anything, and 3. Don't take the breath test. Repeat: do not take the breath test, Ross. Ross, whatever you do don't--

According to an arrest affadavit, tests showed Jenkins' blood alcohol level was almost three times the normal level.

Dammit, Ross. Fundamentals, fundamentals. Ross wasn't quite in the O'Toole-o-sphere, but at somewhere just under a .24 he was nothing short of the clinical term "fucked up." Ross and Louisiana Tech will be given three points for what is truly a grandiose DUI in the Fulmer Cup, and Louisiana Wildlife and Fisheries can go back to arresting pesky largemouth bass tax fraudsters and meth lab-running alligators. (Follow the pelicans: they're always the couriers thanks to their pouches.)

15 comments | 0 recs

DECONSTRUCTION FUNCTION: SEPTEMBER 6TH, 1980

by Spencer Hall on Feb 9, 2010 12:48 PM EST Comment 34 comments

THE HISTORICAL MOMENT: HERSCHEL WALKER DEBUTS, SEPTEMBER 6th, 1980.

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34 comments | 2 recs

THE CURIOUS INDEX, 2/9/2010

by Spencer Hall on Feb 9, 2010 10:48 AM EST Comment 15 comments

Sgt. Slaughter Getting Good Reviews, Which Is Pretty Much What You Would Expect From an Interim Coach In The Offseason. Sgt. Slaughter, aka Steve Addazio, has been getting excellent reviews from recruiting services, and that's quite nice since they rate your ability to schmooze 18 year olds, and not adjust your offense to the personnel you have DIVE DIVE DIVE DAMN YOU. Urban Meyer returns to coach full-time sometime between now and August, and if not that noise you hear is the splash of our body falling in the nearest body of water off the tallest possible bridge available.

BUT WILL THEY HAVE RO-TEL? The Pac-10's hiring of Kevin Weiberg may signal an interest in creating a conference network, and if you've ever wanted to see Petros Papadakis host his own Greek cooking show in the offseason that is awesome, awesome news for you. The league currently farms out most of its games to Versus on late night, so really creating their own network can't possibly worse than that. Finally, you need Barbasol on board to make it happen, because close shave America, close shave with a woman determined to poison you after your week long disappearance.

THAT'S ANOTHER WAY. Freek has his own opinions on how UCLA and USC differentiate recruits.

THIS SHOULD NOT BE A SHOCK FROM THE FORMER HEAD COACH AT WAKE FOREST. Institutional promotions sometimes work, but watching Jim Caldwell stodgily screw the pooch in the Super Bowl should remind you that coaches don't really change, ever, for any reason, and that somehow the same guy who was mediocre at best at Wake Forest somehow got himself an NFL job, lucked into the spot of being their head coach following the departure of their actual good coach, and voila! Professoinal Cokerdom Achievement Unlocked!

Just another reminder, though, that smart guys usually beat less smart people in a talent-equal situation, an interesting dynamic to transfer to college, where the talent differentials sometimes allow less-than-smart guys with charisma and an ability to recruit to survive longer than they probably should. We're not talking about anyone in particular. Nope. Not at all.

LET'S PUT YOU ON THE FRIES FIRST, AND WORK UP TO EXPO. Steve Kragthorpe is in coaching rehab.

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Look over here. Doug isn't your man, but you could smell like him if you contribute important questions to our gentleman's column, our offseason project for him since he can't spend all his time giving out the best anti-intuitive picks this side of George Costanza. Topics include: fashion, sex, gambling (the non-sports kind, natch) dating, etiquette, girls, ladies, whores, whores who you want to be a lady, ladies you want to be whores, interior decorating, sailing, motoring, auto repair, PR issues, foreign customs, public health practices, investment tips for the hundredaire class, and life advice in general. Email him at heyjennyslater.blog@gmail.com, both for questions and to mock him for his finishing record of 4-184 this year as our picksmeister. Salut.

about 10 hours ago Spencer Hall 2 comments 0 recs

CONFIDENCE IS IMPORTANT AND A VITAMIN OF GREAT IMPORTANCE

by Spencer Hall on Feb 8, 2010 6:10 PM EST Comment 17 comments

Les Miles missed on a recruit he should have nabbed, if confidence and horse-sized balls are still the hallmark of the Miles School of Testicular Thinking. Recruit Lynden Trail of Florida, put 'em on the table son and tell us what you think of Florida's recruiting class this year and their expectations.

I know we’ll bring at least 2-3 national championships," Trail said.

There's no job too immense when you've got...CONNNNFIDENCE. God bless 18 year olds. We used to have that kind of gusto. For instance, when we left high school we swore we'd win Florida at least five Quiz Bowl Championships. That was before we started staying up all night playing Sim City and drinking Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20, which is even more cracked than Blue Raspberry because there are at least blue berries in this world, and nothing close to a red banana. Unless you're counting those tiny red plaintains, and you know for damn sure the Red Bull marketing staff didn't know they existed. After the Mad Dog came the nitrous, and then Mario Kart, and then the profligate lost years abroad and waiting tables....

...and fifteen years later WHAMMO you're sitting on your couch writing about high schoolers' casual remarks for a living. So to review: drink Mad Dog, play computer games, and eventually work from home while wearing the same pants for three days straight. How this was supposed to be a cautionary tale is lost to us. Carry on.

(That is from Clambake, Conan O'Brien's favorite Elvis movie and our favorite, as well. At the 3:00 mark everyone drops powerful LSD. At one point Elvis sees imaginary cowboys and indians fighting in stock footage. It is either the best meta-commentary on Elvis in decline made by Clambake's director, or it is the worst musical number ever made. There is also a song about working on a boat. It's total shit and you should watch it now.)

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OH YES HE DID

Bacarri Rambo and Da'Rick Rogers engage in that nastiest of all scuffles, a Facebook feud. Bacarri is clearly ahead here, because he is not only named "Bacarri" but also "Rambo," and thus an intoxicatingly violent man you do not want do tangle with.

1 day ago Spencer Hall 14 comments 1 recs

YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO BE THE NUMBER ONE RECRUIT IN THE COUNTRY

by Spencer Hall on Feb 8, 2010 1:56 PM EST Comment 28 comments

Seantrel Henderson, currently waiting out the NCAA'S verdict on USC's impending non-punishment from the NCAA, has a father who makes us feel much better about our prospects as a parent. For instance, our rap career is already solidified as among the internet's finest hypothetical sports-related rap careers, and like Jay-Z sitting atop his pile of money we feel no need to attempt to best our rivals in this department. (We were going to 9/11 'em, but they did it to themselves.)

Sean Henderson, however, is attempting to build a rap career while helping his son pick the next step in his career, meaning going to USC was way, way more appealing to Seantrel's closest advisor than going to Ohio State, Minnesota, or Florida, since none of the three are known for their burgeoning rap scenes. We say this will all due respect to the Sleepy Rappers, who were more representative of a single comet-like flare of genius than the payoff from years of scene-building manifesting itself in the form of single act.

I know, it sucks, but complain to other one-shot geniuses like Three Doors Down, Snow, and Evanescence and see how much sympathy you get. It's a big club. It would help Sean Henderson to note that if he plans on making friends in the music industry, he might not want to talk shit about them in public unless he plans on starting a beef, since he's already trashed Jim Tressel as being "boring" in public despite the fact that the man was kind enough to visit, offer a scholarship, and even take his shoes off in our house, sir.

Mark our words: JT Smoove don't take this kind of disrespect lyin' down. That's your momma's job, and Jim done finished that about twice last night before letting the rest of the train take over. (Krenzel up in that, oh best belee K-Renz up in that like a quarterback draw.) When you diss Tress you diss yourself, and you'll be screaming for mercy by the time he sends Black Jim Tressel to show you some style by putting his priceless Italian loafers up that ass.

28 comments | 0 recs