THE CURIOUS INDEX, 2/10/2009
by Spencer Hall on Feb 10, 2010 10:08 AM EST
22 comments
START YOUR DAY OFF RIGHT WITH A SERVING OF PURE MANDOM
"You better pass." Man, how often is it in life that you get away with such fantastic at-the-line trash talk? Not often, since the last time we told the lady at the bank that she was going to have to get a manager about that service fee we we was all like "OH HELL NAW YOU GET A MANAGER" and then she did and the manager said no and we had to pay the fee anyway. #lifeisnotfootball
PAC-12 JUST DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME RING OKAY MAYBE PAC-10 DOESN'T EITHER. Settle down, now. The Big Ten and its spiritual acolyte the Pac-10 don't make these decisions quickly. (Even if they throw out the tantalizing "12 months" there.) First there will be a board of review, and then proposals, and then review, and then careful considerations, and then some more review, and then the counterproposals, and by the time this all happens it'll be 2182, and the Unfrozen Head Of Jim Delany will kibosh the whole thing and ask someone to carry Delany-Head over to his morning paper, since he still doesn't use the internet and never will, dammit.
That said, Utah and Colorado certainly makes sense for an expanded Pac-10, especially since Colorado has always seemed a bit out of key with the rest of the Big 12. (Weed and microbrews over domestic canned beer? Pac-10 all the way, sir.)
YEEEEESSSSSSSSS. Mizzou wants a live tiger, or at least someone in student government has proposed it half-heartedly. Solve this problem, Mizzou students, by simply procuring one, chaining it to the railing leading into the main admin hall and letting the administration add up the numbers for themselves. That's what our forebears would have done back in the day, most likely resulting in the loss of at least one or two lives, but that's when life was lived closer to the Darwinian razor's edge. (AND THEY LIKED IT THAT WAY, DAMMIT.) The Mizzou student newspaper, in case you didn't notice, is called The Maneater, which is really tough, gay, or both.
I REMAIN AT LARGE. Darrell Scott is not returning to Colorado. Seriously, he is not returning to Colorado. (Checks to see if Dan Hawkins is still there.) Yes, that's most definitely not returning to Colorado, since you know how much he loves the idea of playing on special teams and not being in the rotation at tailback at all despite being the number one recruit in the country. (Checks to see if Dan Hawkins is still recruiting "motivation guys" from Idaho.) Yup, just still perusing my options here.
NOT ELIGIBLE, BUT: Though our own unfair division system disallows the points, SE Missouri State
can get some in the theoretical Fulmer Cup.
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REGGIE BUSH OFFERS BEST SCHOLARSHIP EVER
Further proof that Reggie Bush, as he did in college, is capable of needlessly fumbling the ball away in the spotlight.
MEME GENERATOR: COACH MILES
by Spencer Hall on Feb 9, 2010 5:22 PM EST
108 comments
Just a few examples, but we think you know what to do here.
More after the jump, but feel free to submit your own.
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LOUISIANA TECH QUARTERBACK HAS A QB RATING OF 154 POINT DRUNK
by Spencer Hall on Feb 9, 2010 3:27 PM EST
18 comments
A friend of ours was once given a CUI--"Canoeing Under the Influence"-- on a river in Florida. The shocker was that you could be given a ticket both for canoeing drunk (which he most certainly was) and that Fish and Wildlife officials could hand out these tickets. At the time it was the equivalent of finding out that Salvation Army bell ringers had the authority to arrest you, which unless they are very sexy they do not actually have, btw.
Louisiana Tech quarterback Ross Jenkins was given a DUI by Louisiana Department of Wildlife and Fisheries cops, and what's the rule Ross? 1. Watch the safeties, 2. Don't force anything, and 3. Don't take the breath test. Repeat: do not take the breath test, Ross. Ross, whatever you do don't--
According to an arrest affadavit, tests showed Jenkins' blood alcohol level was almost three times the normal level.
Dammit, Ross. Fundamentals, fundamentals. Ross wasn't quite in the O'Toole-o-sphere, but at somewhere just under a .24 he was nothing short of the clinical term "fucked up." Ross and Louisiana Tech will be given three points for what is truly a grandiose DUI in the Fulmer Cup, and Louisiana Wildlife and Fisheries can go back to arresting pesky largemouth bass tax fraudsters and meth lab-running alligators. (Follow the pelicans: they're always the couriers thanks to their pouches.)
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DECONSTRUCTION FUNCTION: SEPTEMBER 6TH, 1980
by Spencer Hall on Feb 9, 2010 12:48 PM EST
37 comments
37 comments | 2 recs
THE CURIOUS INDEX, 2/9/2010
by Spencer Hall on Feb 9, 2010 10:48 AM EST
15 comments
Sgt. Slaughter Getting Good Reviews, Which Is Pretty Much What You Would Expect From an Interim Coach In The Offseason. Sgt. Slaughter, aka Steve Addazio, has been getting excellent reviews from recruiting services, and that's quite nice since they rate your ability to schmooze 18 year olds, and not adjust your offense to the personnel you have DIVE DIVE DIVE DAMN YOU. Urban Meyer returns to coach full-time sometime between now and August, and if not that noise you hear is the splash of our body falling in the nearest body of water off the tallest possible bridge available.
BUT WILL THEY HAVE RO-TEL? The Pac-10's hiring of Kevin Weiberg may signal an interest in creating a conference network, and if you've ever wanted to see Petros Papadakis host his own Greek cooking show in the offseason that is awesome, awesome news for you. The league currently farms out most of its games to Versus on late night, so really creating their own network can't possibly worse than that. Finally, you need Barbasol on board to make it happen, because close shave America, close shave with a woman determined to poison you after your week long disappearance.
THAT'S ANOTHER WAY. Freek has his own opinions on how UCLA and USC differentiate recruits.
THIS SHOULD NOT BE A SHOCK FROM THE FORMER HEAD COACH AT WAKE FOREST. Institutional promotions sometimes work, but watching Jim Caldwell stodgily screw the pooch in the Super Bowl should remind you that coaches don't really change, ever, for any reason, and that somehow the same guy who was mediocre at best at Wake Forest somehow got himself an NFL job, lucked into the spot of being their head coach following the departure of their actual good coach, and voila! Professoinal Cokerdom Achievement Unlocked!
Just another reminder, though, that smart guys usually beat less smart people in a talent-equal situation, an interesting dynamic to transfer to college, where the talent differentials sometimes allow less-than-smart guys with charisma and an ability to recruit to survive longer than they probably should. We're not talking about anyone in particular. Nope. Not at all.
LET'S PUT YOU ON THE FRIES FIRST, AND WORK UP TO EXPO. Steve Kragthorpe is in coaching rehab.
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Look over here. Doug isn't your man, but you could smell like him if you contribute important questions to our gentleman's column, our offseason project for him since he can't spend all his time giving out the best anti-intuitive picks this side of George Costanza. Topics include: fashion, sex, gambling (the non-sports kind, natch) dating, etiquette, girls, ladies, whores, whores who you want to be a lady, ladies you want to be whores, interior decorating, sailing, motoring, auto repair, PR issues, foreign customs, public health practices, investment tips for the hundredaire class, and life advice in general. Email him at heyjennyslater.blog@gmail.com, both for questions and to mock him for his finishing record of 4-184 this year as our picksmeister. Salut.
1 day ago
Spencer Hall
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CONFIDENCE IS IMPORTANT AND A VITAMIN OF GREAT IMPORTANCE
by Spencer Hall on Feb 8, 2010 6:10 PM EST
18 comments
Les Miles missed on a recruit he should have nabbed, if confidence and horse-sized balls are still the hallmark of the Miles School of Testicular Thinking. Recruit Lynden Trail of Florida, put 'em on the table son and tell us what you think of Florida's recruiting class this year and their expectations.
I know we’ll bring at least 2-3 national championships," Trail said.
There's no job too immense when you've got...CONNNNFIDENCE. God bless 18 year olds. We used to have that kind of gusto. For instance, when we left high school we swore we'd win Florida at least five Quiz Bowl Championships. That was before we started staying up all night playing Sim City and drinking Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20, which is even more cracked than Blue Raspberry because there are at least blue berries in this world, and nothing close to a red banana. Unless you're counting those tiny red plaintains, and you know for damn sure the Red Bull marketing staff didn't know they existed. After the Mad Dog came the nitrous, and then Mario Kart, and then the profligate lost years abroad and waiting tables....
...and fifteen years later WHAMMO you're sitting on your couch writing about high schoolers' casual remarks for a living. So to review: drink Mad Dog, play computer games, and eventually work from home while wearing the same pants for three days straight. How this was supposed to be a cautionary tale is lost to us. Carry on.
(That is from Clambake, Conan O'Brien's favorite Elvis movie and our favorite, as well. At the 3:00 mark everyone drops powerful LSD. At one point Elvis sees imaginary cowboys and indians fighting in stock footage. It is either the best meta-commentary on Elvis in decline made by Clambake's director, or it is the worst musical number ever made. There is also a song about working on a boat. It's total shit and you should watch it now.)
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