HATIN-ASS SPURRIER WOULD LIKE TO HOLD COURT

PUTTIN' WATER IN RAY GOFF'S DISH

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I'd like to thank UNC for last week. It's not often you see so much being done so poorly so quickly, but we all got a special talent for something. Your momma's is picking up cigarette butts with her mouth at the Harris Teeter and using them for salad toppings.

The ACC is like a dance contest in Myrtle Beach: even if you win it, you've still got sand fleas living inside you.

Congratulations to Clemson on their big win over Georgia. They've beaten two SEC teams! They could practically call themselves the 2012 Missouri Tigers with that many SEC wins. Kind of comparisons you want to be made about your football team.

Poor Georgia. That first year in the ACC Coastal's gonna be murder on 'em.

Heard a radio fella call em the 'Kentucky Mildcats' the other day. Seems like a stretch, since even a pack of Virginia Slims can play a little defense.

Oregon's Tate? Never met him. Might have recruited him. Next question.

I'm gonna support whatever decision the President makes, whether it's a limited military action or a full-on invasion. Whatever i takes, we gotta liberate them poor children in Starkville.

I don't know what offensive trouble they're talking about. I see three points on the scoreboard, and I'm thinking that's a damn fine performance by Starkville United.

Saw Florida threw for 153 against Toledo. Guess all these government cutbacks mean you only get one quarter to play now.

I think Jadeveon's conditioning was fine. Or at least fine enough for that future stock broker he was working on Thursday night. You can get a hell of a workout at Curves, I hear. Or at least Mack Brown does.

That Michigan State offense is a lot like Mark Dantonio's pecker - give it anything longer than a glance and you're gonna get carsick.

Saw that Arkansas won. I call that an EBT win, because they're gonna have to eat off that for a month 'till they get their next one.

Malzahn went to Waffle House after that game, huh? Guess some folks'll go anywhere to find a quarterback.

Heard Auburn looked real good compared to Wazzu. Well, I could go to a nude beach with Charlie Weis, too.

Congrats to Tennessee on beatin' Austin Peay, the school that sounds it's like tellin' you about all the awful stuff it did back when it was an alcoholic. Must have been hard to hang 40 on a team with future Zumba instructors playing cornerback, but bein' proud of something is important.

If Hawaii can't even get your pieces hummin' right, Lane Kiffin, I heard Bobby Petrino sells Spanish Fly on eBay real discreet.

Miami plays Florida this week. Florida used to have the speed advantage here, but an ankle monitor is heavier than you think.

Seen that Jameis Winston really do some good things in his first game. Feels like FSU's on its way back to the glory days, when its quarterbacks were mediocre in the NFL AND other pro sports. Say hi to Charlie Ward for me if you're ever playing H-O-R-S-E in Latvia.

Jimbo Fisher does make first-round quarterbacks, though. Hell, E.J. Manuel's the starter at Buffalo. Think about that. He can go to any quarterback recruit and say, "Hey, I'll get you to Buffalo, Oakland, or Minnesota for some of the best and least retrievable years of your life." Hell of a pitch, if you ask me.

Saw Nick Saban and Alabama took care of Virginia Tech. I ran over an old man once, too, but it was on accident in a golf cart and you didn't see me get a trophy for it. That poor man was Frank Beamer, too, by the way. By golly can that old buzzard take a hit.

Think everyone's being a little too hard on Johnny Manziel. You may not like what he does, but you have to respect his game, and how he's gonna have to deal with Daniel Snyder trading 5 years' worth of draft picks to get him in the pros.

We got two good quarterbacks and both of them will play against Georgia. We feel pretty good about 'em. They got one, too. Hits the checkdown real well.

Wanna wish the Redskins the best this season. That Dan Snyder's the best, and I look forward to watching his team take the field on my 80" TV Made From Pieces Of Priceless Works Of Art.

Ole Miss beat Vandy. Hugh Freeze has done a great job gettin' a lot of Memphis into that team's roster. Gonna take a heck of a lot of antibiotics to get it all out, too.

Sure, Michigan-Notre Dame is a tradition. So's Brian Kelly freezin' warts.

Sooner or later everyone ages. I switched to a belly putter. Urban Meyer went to the Big Ten. We all slow down, is what I'm saying. Nothing to be done about it.

Dang, Willie Taggart. Whole point of followin' a Holtz is you're supposed to look brilliant by comparison even if you don't try.

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