A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO TEAM-THEMED VIDEOS

Brian Spurlock-US PRESSWIRE

THE PURDUE VIDEO IS NOW GONE, BUT LET IT BE REMEMBERED AS A WARNING

All behold what Purdue hath wrought, and then review the rules for making a video where you rap about your favorite team, usually as an undergraduate at that institution. (If the video's still working. If not, we'll sub out when someone inevitably reposts it.)

Step One: Don't.

Step Two: Don't. You will anyway, but it bears repeating.

Step Three: At least don't rap.

Step Four: If and when you do, own it. Make it yourself. Bring forth the shame from your own misguided soul, and thus make the sin more pardonable. No outsourcing (see: Freakbass)

Step Five: If you're going to involve coaches, have them do cool shit. Mark Richt nodding and lip syncing? Dull. Mark Richt popping a wheelie on an ATV and screaming RUFF RYDERS? Awesome. (P.S. actually that should be WHERE MY DAWGS AT???)

Step Six: If you can do anything from a Ca$h Money video, then do it. I see you, James Franklin doing donuts in a Lambo with the gull wing doors flipped up in the Vandy parking lot.

Step Seven: Search out students who want to be in this video.

Step Eight: Use none of those students, because what the hell is wrong with them.

Step Nine: Nudity. You might want to outsource this, especially if you're a school with a lot of smart kids. EXCEPTION: Georgia Tech, because sometimes nudity is funny, not sexual.)

Step Ten: Rapping is unacceptable unless you have a white guy who sounds exactly like Ghostface Killah and weighs 300 pounds. NOTE: applicable to Cal State-Action Bronson only.

Step Eleven: If you are going to rap, despite rule #3: GO ALL OUT. Do not just talk about how your rival is lame. Really ether those assholes. TIP "Your quarterback makes me sick" rhymes with "yo mamma love my gold plated dick." We provide a list of rhymes you can and may want to use when constructing your devastating verses.

"My dick demolish the finest vaginas/ get plowed like Clemson lines by South Carolina"

"I rep Vandy, and roll candy/ paint on the drop, Anchor Down like your pops/ on your mom, your sis, and twice on your girl/ My degree gets paper like gheri gets curl"

"I'm from Wisconsin bitch, seein' double when I get me some/ wasted, can't see straight, so every night's a threesome"

"A Michigan Man says thank you, more turducken/ pizza thick all around, magnum condoms when we fuckin'"

"East Lansing, y'all, where the gangstas ride with no stress/ keep the feet on the pedals cause the ride's repossessed"

"Thought yo girl was faithful, had plans to bride her / Now she's a juco transfer for Coach Bill Snyder"

"Girls call me Mack cause my money's breezy/ and sometimes David Ash because I grew up without TV"

"Call a farmer, get a rope, do it fast/ Shake it like that, I can't take a pass/ Run the ball Bobo, cause we off the far hash/ Mark Richt lost control of that ass"

"My name's Dan Mullen and I'm here to say / Fuck, I'm not getting the Texas job, am I?"

"You say no to Kansas football/ Charlie Weis cain't"

"Keep talkin' shit bout this Louisville sched / Charlie Strong keep stackin' Papa John's bread / Imitation Product"

"Yeah, Muchamp's angry and he rips his pants / But don't call him Hulk, Hulk wouldn't kill Jim Nantz"

"WOOP WOOP! That's the sound of the police / I root for Mike London and intern for Credit Suisse"

"I see them at the church when I passes/ looking like they need gospel-in' maskses, it's hard for them to (FREEEEEZE!!!!) But I keep recruits in the stashes, Nigerians in my recruiting classes, these bitches can't (FREEEEEEZE)

"Bob Daaavie / awomanwenzeliznvawo / a licky boom boom yeahhh"

"Bielema in your momma's crib/ posted up and roasted on the sofa with a pile of ribs/ wipe a mouth on the cushions while she blowin' me/ Send a pic to Nick Saban, hood diplomacy"

"nobodyspitfasterthangushangoutwithpastorslikegusladiesknowthere'sonlyonespreadmasterthat'sgus" <--MYSTIKAL STYLE

"Tiger paws on the highway, step to this and you'l die quick/ Dabo Swinney's in the Range, but it's weird cause he don't drive stick/ Gotta park, switch some seats, let Chad Morris drive/ Get some Sonic and some chronic and the Tigers stay alive HOLLA"

"Maybe you'll win, and maybe we'll lose / But I bet you won't smile, because you're still in Syracuse"

"Tennessee things, put jug wine in your anus/ get it on Clay Travis site, shit let's get famous"

"The movies, the barber, a baptism hall / I'm Ohio State, son, I'll fuckin' drink at 'em all"

"Ames rollin', three girls at once, live' the dream/ While they scream say how proud you are of this team"

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