Andrew Weber-US PRESSWIRE
WE READ THE PATERNO FAMILY REPORT SO YOU COULD ENJOY THE SUMMARY. ENJOY. HA.
Pages 3-4: Two page diatribe against double moves in the passing game, citing "geometrical New Deal sorcery" for its evil.
Page 5: Enormous PENN STATE TRUTHERS STOP READING HERE. WE ARE! [skip to Appendix C]
Page 7: Printout of an email from Bobby Bowden to himself. The subject line reads "how to print an email." There is no text.
Page 8: A full confession to the murder of Natalie Wood, signed by Henry Kissinger.
Page 18: Satellite image of Kirk Ferentz pooping in a bucket.
Page 24: A crisp five dollar bill, one in every report. Just sayin'.
Page 32: Paragraph ends with you having choice to cross ravine on tightrope on page 91 OR attempt to find a way around on page 17. Don't find a way around! That's the one where the Nazis get you.
Page 49: Footnotes shit no one reads those GTFO you're not David Foster Wallace man
Page 51: Sack of used floss illustrating Joe Paterno's commitment to dental health.
Page 53: Nude centerfold of Penn State alum Al Golden.
Page 55: Three straight pages of crossword puzzles, where "MEDIA WITCH HUNT" is written in for every answer.
Page 56: Pictures of fine scotch Paterno consumed
Page 58: Detailed personal schedule from 1999 illustrating that Joe Paterno was sort of punctual, which most people never even mention when saying all that bad shit about him.
Page 62: Entire petrified fruit roll-up
Page 65: Map of the Nittany Mall with Auntie Anne's circled and "EXTERMINATE THE INTERLOPER" written in blood.
Page 69: Half-burned picture of Anthony Morelli covered in Sharpie-penned hearts
Page 77: Myst page with Kerry Collins trapped inside. He's quite comfortable, though.
Page 79: Word search that just has "DIDYOUEVENREADTHEREPORT" repeated over and over.
Page 81: 500 word intro to Jay Paterno's unfinished cracker-thug erotica novel, "State College/Straight Ball-age."
Page 84: Galen Hall's surprisingly detailed manual for making small explosives in the comfort of your own kitchen
Page 88: Printed out Wikipedia article for Methanol.
Page 90: A photo of Terrelle Pryor, just smug as hell. Look at that. Doesn't it make you mad? It sure makes me mad.
Page 94: Paterno's Social Security Card, reading "JOSEPH PATERNO SS# 43"
Page 100: Sixteen Sub Club cards, all stamped but unredeemed. "He never took anything he didn't earn. Not once."
Pages 101-117: The beginning of a script for "Like Water for Chocolate 2: Cacao Tease." It is surprisingly good.
Pages 120-128: Just Burger King coupons.
Pages 129-134: A detailed DNA profile of Joe Paterno that shows the odds are 8,567,200,188 to 1 that the late coach was, in fact, Hitler.
Page 132: Entire playbook for 2003 season.
Page 140: Random scribbled handwritten note saying nothing but "THIS MOVIE UP! IS BULLSHIT"
Pages 178-180: Totally blank. Those Kinkos dudes will rob you blind.
Appendix A: An entire Spanish language copy of Who Moved My Cheese?
Appendix B: An entire Archie Double Digest, with "omg i cant believe we get to bill for this" written on the front.
Appendix C: [cont'd from page 5] "--PENN STATE!"