HATIN' ASS SPURRIER

Al Messerschmidt

ENTER THE HATER, READY TO SKIN GATORS

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Nothin' shameful about losing to a tree, Oregon. There's an oak at TPC Sawgrass that's still got a pitching wedge of mine and a pair of Lou Holtz's pants stuck in it.

Y'know how some people just buy a sign that says "PROTECTED BY SO AND SO SECURITY" and put it in front of their house even though there's no alarm installed? I think that sign could beat Will Muschamp in checkers.

Click training ain't working with Will Muschamp, is it?

Day games are really trouble for Florida this year. Makes it impossible for Brent Pease to pick plays off his Lite Brite.

You have to pay respect to Florida's run game though, because it's dead.

I suppose it'd be crude of me to call Florida the blow-up doll of the SEC, but they did just get pounded by a bunch of excited nerds.

I don't think Will Muschamp came to Florida and found a bare cupboard, but he did hire Charlie Weis to do his shopping for a bit.

That's not a fat joke, but I did say "Charlie Weis" so the confusion is understandable.

Y'ever think it's weird how Bud Foster won't let you see what's inside that lunch pail? I've seen Dexter, y'all.

I've seen losing streaks longer than Southern Mississippi's, but only when we painted all the spots on a Twister board purple and then made Derek Dooley play solo.

I think Arkansas would be wise to send Bret Bielema down to AA for a bit to get his confidence back, and I ain't talkin' about baseball.

Michigan's run game is so bankrupt John L. Smith wants to buy thirty shares.

I know I didn't go to Michigan, but even I know Borges is blind.

The difference between Tennessee's defense and a garage door is sometimes a garage door won't open.

But sure, when I think "quality offensive coordinator," I look for Tommy Tuberville on the label.

Eventually Purdue's gonna have to pay royalties to the screenwriters of "Weekend at Bernie's."

Might wanna write a check to Pinkel, too. Damn he was funny in that movie.

What Florida State did to Wake Forest could qualify as animal abuse, if Jim Grobe wasn't 2/3 ficus.

Sorry about that, BYU, but alcoholics are just better at football. I lost to Mike Dubose twice, so I'd know.

You know what they say about Mississippi State: they can make all the ice cream they want, but never have a bowl to put it in.

If they'd counted elk as people Wyoming wouldn't have an attendance problem, and the midgame hunting gunfire would be a helluva home field advantage.

Sure, it's not gonna win you games, but Charlie Weis's roster has kept dozens of federal witnesses safely hidden, and for that I salute him.

Didn't know Mack Brown could make it through overtime without snortin' a Cialis.

Hardest part of coaching at West Virginia? Got to be losing half your team to buck season, though venereal black lung has to be a close second.

Watching Nick Saban jump into AJ McCarron's arms reminded me that I never returned that copy of Benjamin Button to Netflix.

Didn't know Illinois was worth cutting into parts, NIU, but people with nothin' will fight over anything, I suppose.

Cowboy boots do make a man taller, Nick. [winks]

Alabama made a great call by hiring Saban, but the state has always had a weakness for short despots.

Not surprised at how well UCF's doing. O'Leary's hell to coach against, mostly because you can't stop staring at those teeth. It's like the bathroom floor at a condemned motel.

Some say FSU's schedule is too easy, but Intro to How To Rent A Carpet Steamer is harder than you might think.

I haven't watched "Masters of Sex", but I'm guessing it's fiction because I ain't in it.

Boba Fett lost to Pitt, too, Notre Dame.

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