THE FULMER CUP ARRIVES. HOORAY?

THE MISERY THE GLORY THE ENDLESS UNDERAGE POSSESSION CHARGES

The Fulmer Cup technically started the minute the BCS game mercifully ended, and will for the EIGHTH YEAR OH MY GOD tally up the crimes and misdemeanors of college football's finest.

Fulmercup-010913_medium

WHAT IS THE POINT?

The object, as always, will be to end the message board argument over what team is indeed the most unruly and disrespectful of the law, and use a flexible scale of points to determine this question. Points are awarded for misdemeanors, felonies, and in some instances certain traffic citations. The points are tallied up throughout the offseason, and then a leader is named just before the start of the season.

WHEN?

Starting on January 7th the second the game ended, and extending throughout the year until the day before the start of the season.

WHAT ARE THE RULES?

Eligible teams are FBS college football teams. Player must be enrolled at the time of the incident, and there must be some documentation of the arrest via news article or arrest record. Charges unless totally dismissed are left as they are initially charged in the first court appearance because the Fulmer Cup evaluates how often you show up in the news for living life without consulting the rule book, not about how talented your attorney may be. If you have a good attorney, that's great! Their odds of being an EDSBS reader are shockingly good, something that should just scare you about attorneys in general.

AND POINTS ARE AWARDED HOW?

  • Murder: 10 points. The big one, and never used in the history of the Cup. Let's keep it that way, because unless it involves throwing a clown into a ravine in a Zorb, there is no possible way to write a funny or entertaining murder post.
  • Cannibalism: Also 10 points.
  • Masterminding a Criminal Empire: A 10 point bonus to whatever litany of charges the case may involve. This is subjective, but no: running a weed ring out of your dorm room does not count unless your dorm room is a mansion, and "Weed ring" means "low-key cartel operation responsible for destabilizing a nation."
  • Sex Crimes: Five points for all sex crime felonies.
  • Bestiality: If we ever have to use this, we'll end the competition. Four points.
  • Grand Larceny: Four points, and includes theft charges of a large magnitude.
  • Arson: Four points.
  • Breaking A Promise To Marry: Three points. No longer a crime in the United States, but we are people of honor, sir. You will keep your word and wed, because otherwise we practiced our Cupid Shuffle for nothing.
  • Assault (felony): three points with a point bonus for involving ladies.
  • Generic felony theft and felony DUI: Three points.
  • Misdemeanor DUI: Two points.
  • Bear-baiting: Two points. Unless it's Mark Mangino wearing a mink coat. Then it's cool.
  • Weed possession: Simplified to one point for misdemeanor possession, and three points for felony like everything else.
  • Drankin'/Suspended License/Assorted petty misdemeanors: One point a piece.
  • Making people try your signature cocktail: One point. Stop doing that, it's annoying as hell.

BONUS POINTS? Awarded as needed, usually for style, and almost always only one at a time.

CRIMES NOT INCLUDED? Usually broken down by felony (three points) and misdemeanors (one point.) If something that doesn't quite fit there comes up, we'll do what we usually do: make it up as we go along.

HEY WHO DECIDES THIS, PAL?

We do. The Queen of Hearts does as she likes, and awards the points as she sees fit.

WHAT IF SOMEONE DID SOMETHING AND WASN'T CHARGED?

Then you have nothing, and we cannot award points.

ARE PLAYERS THE ONLY ONES ELIGIBLE?

Not necessarily, but it has to be close. Coaches with DUIs have been given points before, and in one outstanding case an athletic director received points for a spectacularly scandalous DUI. You might remember that, and GO DAWGS.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO REPORT!

Excellent. Spencer addressed at the sbnation dot com protocol will get this report to our processing center.

HURRR HOW BOUT YOU CALL IT THE [BLANK CUP]

FUCK OFF.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Thank Boardmaster Brian in advance, since he's been doing this for years, and also follow along with the handy reference at SAS Wiki.

MAY THE SQUADS (POLICE) BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.

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