GRADING THE COACHING CHANGES

With the help of noted expert and nice lady, my mother.

Arkansas, Brett Bielema: I like that George Clooney - your dad and I just rented Three Kings, have you seen it yet? - but I don't approve of this whole wear a suit and a dress shirt without a tie. It just makes a man look silly. I bet this Brett person does that. (Grade: 4/10)

Arkansas State, Bryan Harsin: Wait a second, you just told me Arkansas hired somebody else. Are you making fun of me? I won't do this if you're making fun of me. (Grade: Incomplete)

Auburn, Gus Malzahn: Did you hear about his wife? She reminds me of your Aunt Sheila. Aunt Sheila's fine, but sometimes, she can be a little too preachy, especially because everyone remembers when she got caught doing inappropriate things with that waiter at Larry and Kim's wedding. Don't tell anyone I told you about that. (Grade: 6/10)

Boston College, Steve Addazio: The Florida one, right? I don't know why everyone got so mad at him. He was trying his best! Sometimes I think that football journal you write for is a little too mean. (Grade: 8/10)

California, Sonny Dykes: (fucks up call waiting and hangs up) (Grade: Incomplete)

Cincinnati, Tommy Tuberville: Sorry, I thought I was getting another call but it was your dad's phone. We have the same ring noise but I don't know how to change it and the man at Sam's Club was no help at all. Oh, him. It's nice that he's unafraid to embrace his natural hair color. (Grade: 5/10)

Colorado, Mike MacIntyre: Was he the little one in New Kids On The Block? Oh, you used to LOVE them in second grade. I'd pick you up from school and you'd just dance and dance in the back seat. It was so cute! What do you mean, that's embarrassing? Stop trying to be so tough for your internet friends. (Grade: 7/10)

FIU, Ron Turner: You know, you got something in the mail from them just a few weeks ago. "FREE BALANCE TRANSFER/COACH NEEDED." But I just threw it away because it looked like junk and you hardly even come home anymore so there's not much sense in me holding onto junk mail for you. (Grade: 2/10)

Georgia State, Trent Miles: Your cousin Trent just changed his name to "Razor" and started wearing that weird clown getup. What's that called? Juggle Bros? I don't know, I can't keep up with you kids and your strange fads. (Grade: 3/10)

Idaho, Paul Petrino: Why don't we all spend Thanksgiving in Idaho this year? I bet that'd be a lot of fun - all rustic and cozy. Just like The Pioneer Woman! (Grade: 7/10)

Kent State, Paul Haynes: That can't be the same Paul Haynes I went to high school with. He was so nice, and such a cut up! But he didn't play football and when I saw him at the twenty-year he was living in Manitoba and selling hospital beds. And I think he spelled his name with an I, not a Y. Still! Imagine! (Grade: 6/10)

Kentucky, Mark Stoops: Isn't it weird that there are so many coaches who are brothers? Maybe their parents put a lot of pressure on them growing up. We tried to make sure we raised you kids to be your own people. But maybe we were too lenient. You don't curse on the Internet, I hope. (Grade: 6/10)

Louisiana Tech, Skip Holtz: We saw him once at Target. He seemed nice, but odd. I've just never seen someone eat an entire box of Fiddle Faddle before paying for it. (Grade: 4/10)

N.C. State, Dave Doeren: Goodness, how many teams are there? Thirty? You know I don't really like to pass judgment like this. (Grade: 8/10)

Nevada, Brian Polian: I hope he does well. I like little schools like this. Who wants to see Alabama and Michigan all the time? That's no fun. Did you remember to write thank you notes to everyone? (Grade: 7/10)

Northern Illinois, Rod Carey: I know it's a pain, but it means a lot! You can't just not acknowledge it when someone sends you a nice gift. Yes, even when Uncle Mort sends you a polo shirt from Gap Kids. Just return it and buy yourself a belt. You need new belts. (Grade: Incomplete)

Purdue, Darrell Hazell: Football coaches make so much money. It's really sort of crazy. They should at least have to teach a class at the university, too. You think winning a bowl game is hard? Try grading fifty essays on Hamlet! (Grade: 6/10)

San Jose State, Ron Caragher: I don't know who half of these people even are and my AOL won't work. Yes, I know I have to press "Start" and then go to "Programs." I'm not an idiot. (Grade: 3/10)

Southern Miss, Todd Monken: They really fired the last coach after just one year? That's crazy! You're just learning how to handle things that first year. I remember when you were eight or nine months old, I left you in a Burger King twice in one week! (Grade: 4/10)

Syracuse, Scott Shafer: It's nice to see people work their way up. I just hate it when coaches jump right in and get to be the boss at a brand new place. What does he know about how things work there? Florida should have made Will Muschamp start in the mail room. Did you see that Sugar Bowl? Blecch. (Grade: 8/10)

Temple, Matt Rhule: Oh, now you're just making places up. That's not real. Stop fooling around. (Grade: 1/10)

Tennessee, Butch Jones: That's a silly haircut for a grown man. How are people supposed to take you seriously like that? I know we told you it's who you are as a person that counts but it's ridiculous to say that appearances matter. Did I tell you your sister got another tattoo? I can't even. (Grade: 3/10)

Texas Tech, Kliff Kingsbury: See! Appearances. Though he needs to eat a little. (Grade: 7/10)

USF, Willie Taggart: Speaking of, I have this great recipe for Healthy French Toast. You use cottage cheese and cinnamon and whole wheat English muffins and I swear it tastes almost like the real thing! I'll send it to you once I can AOL again. (Grade: Incomplete)

Utah State, Matt Wells: Did you know your old math teacher Ms. Malhoun moved to Utah? The rumor is she's a lesbian now but I think people are too nosy and as long as she's happy good for her. (Grade: 7/10)

UTEP, Sean Kugler: Ugh, is this that terrible ultimate kickboxing stuff? I don't know how you can watch something so violent. (Grade: 2/10)

Western Kentucky, Bobby Petrino: What an a-hole. (Grade: 1/10)

Western Michigan, P.J. Fleck: Your dad should really be doing this, but he's up on the roof cleaning the gutters. I told him to pay someone to do it but you know how he gets. (Grade: Incomplete)

Wisconsin, Gary Andersen: Did I ever tell you about the time I went on a date with Gary Oldman in 1979? Oh, heck, your dad fell off the roof and into the pool. I love you! (Grade: 5/10)

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